Hermenuetics

Comments

What often gets lost in these discussions is the modern cultural situation in which young people don't get married until they are in their late-20s, even 30s. That can mean over 10-20 years of being at one's sexual peak without a partner. That's a hard place for young people to be and it doesn't make them deviant or addicts, it makes them normal, properly-functioning human beings.

Posted By: Anonymous | January 5, 2012 9:51 AM

If masturbation were such a sin or such a stumbling block, don't you think the Bible would address it directly? It's not as if the practice hadn't originated yet in biblical times.

Masturbation can be taken to unhealthy extremes, just like anything else, but I think this is an example of the church heaping needless legalism and expectations on young people. Then it points to their resulting guilt as proof that masturbation really is wrong.

Posted By: Kelly | January 5, 2012 10:04 AM

I don't see the author saying anywhere that masturbation is or is not a sin. She says that "whether it is or not" (thereby including those of either view) the church needs to respond caringly and honestly to the shame some feel, rooted in whatever reason that may be. I'm puzzled about how anyone could disagree with this important, seemingly inarguable, point. But I guess that's just me.

Posted By: Karen | January 5, 2012 10:22 AM

Karen, I agree with your point. It is the shame that stems from the act that the author is addressing here, and I think she's quite right to advocate that women seek the break the chains of secrecy so that shame (and therefore sin and isolation) cannot abound. And Kristen, did you think the author used unaffirming language? I wasn't clear on what (or whom) you thought could be more affirming.

Posted By: Jenny | January 5, 2012 10:36 AM

Marlena, thanks for taking on such an sensitive topic. This line in particular raises a good point: "female masturbation is often (though not always) about more than pleasure ... ." I think that can be said about male masturbation as well, and about other pleasure activities we seek out whether sexual or not.

Is the mere act of masturbation in and of itself a sin? I'm with Kelly on that; if it were then the Bible would have said so. But like anything we do, if it gets in the way of maturing in our relationship with God or interferes with our relationships with the people God has put in our lives then it's a problem.

Cheers,
Tim

Posted By: Tim | January 5, 2012 10:59 AM

Interesting article. As I am reflecting on it I feel like there are many angles you can approach this topic: God being ultimate provider; God giving us the ability to create provision for ourselves; to be holy and pure as God is (does that mean God masturbates?); everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial....which I think may be the best because it's not addressed in the Bible, but the often guilt and shameful feelings associated with it are not beneficial. Especially when processing those emotions in isolation, which is which defies how people masturbate in the first place, by themselves.

Coming from the male perspective I was under the impression that this was predominantly a conundrum for men, but after reading this maybe I am wrong. It was interesting that somewhere someone noted that it is not directly addressed in the Bible. It is equally interesting and perhaps ironic that the Bible was mainly written by men.

My stance is this...just because it is not in God's written Word does that give us permission to do or not to do something, ultimately are hearts should be open to the voice of God to speak directly to us His abundant life-giving truth. Even when my wife has given me permission in her presence to pleasure myself I still often feel shameful afterwards, but for me, that is because this was a habit of mine before I gave my life to Christ and associates itself with other sins in my life. (Its kind of like how some people can eat anything, or consume alcohol, and others can't. We all need to be obedient to what God is speaking to us individually and as a body. Is it healthy for others if I am isolating myself and being burried by shame?)

I can only speak from my perspective, which some have only mnow masturbation within their time of knowing Christ, and not before that point. Either way, whenever mixed emotions, like shame or guilt, are associated with our choices it is a good indicator that something is not healthy. I like the point about healthy sexuality taking place in the context of relationship because it nurtures intimacy through giving and receiving. I have never experienced those healthy characteristics through masturbation.

Thought the article was wholistic and well-written, and the outside perspectives were beneficial and non-critical.

Posted By: Anonymous | January 5, 2012 11:14 AM

One interesting theory of why the Bible doesn't address masturbation (including in the story of Onan, which is more about his refusal to follow Levirite marriage custom) is put forth by Thomas Laqueur in his cultural history of masturbation, "Solitary Sex." He traces the origin of "onanism" (as it was originally called, due to faulty exegesis) to the 17th century, if I'm recalling right. And based on his study of the cultural context, he argues that the discussion around this practice -- particularly its condemnation -- did not happen earlier because there was not a notion of the SELF in the same way until that time. So, in other words, one reason it may not show up in the Bible is because the authors of the time didn't have an intellectual category such that it would even occur to them, or they would be able to talk about a person doing something that was so divorced from the life of the community.

Granted, that's an explanation that doesn't really involve God, but I've always found it a very interesting thesis. Whether or not Laqueur's right, you do have to wrestle with why there was silence not just in the Bible but for so many centuries, and why that changed when it did.

Posted By: Anna Broadway | January 5, 2012 12:04 PM

@Jenny. Article was good. The church in general and the discussion that ensues needs to be more affirming of female sexuality. sorry for the confusion.

Posted By: Kristen | January 5, 2012 12:12 PM

Wow, talk about a sensitive topic.

I've struggled with this subject my entire life. My final determination is that masturbation, in and of itself, is neither Godly nor un-Godly. It simply is. The seeking of pleasure for the sake of pleasure, on the other hand, frequently is - especially when it harms one's relationship with another. Lust is also a major issue; it's a sin, flat out.

That said, I believe there are - or can be - therapeutic results from masturbation. The release of endorphins can help calm oneself down (there was a reason it was prescribed for "hysteria"!), for example. But it's very possible to make it very ungodly, through pornography, lust and/or addiction. If you're prone to any or all of those - or, in my case, all three - it's probably best avoided where possible.

And, as I indicated, you can harm others - especially partners - by doing it. There was a time many years ago when I became so addicted to the act that I allowed my spousal relationship to deteriorate. Of course, that doesn't always apply - it's possible to enjoy one's spouse just as much (or more, in certain ways) without enjoying a "traditional" sexual relationship through other techniques.

As for shame and guilt - quite frankly, I think that's a human thing that comes from our society teaching that sexual things of almost all forms are dirty and should be hidden. Talking about it in public - or even small groups - is very difficult for almost everyone; even when one is in a group of like-minded individuals it's embarrassing to talk about it for fear that one or more people will get upset.

Posted By: Newly Karen | January 5, 2012 12:23 PM

This entire discussion belongs in the stone age. It is absolutely ridiculous to be discussing this as ANYTHING the Church regulates, or relies on doctrine to disperse.

People!!! Get a life. Really. Blood is being shed every day over the same kinds of disputes Jesus fought with the Pharisees and Saducees about, but, you find nothing better to discuss than personal needs, or proclivities of some people? This is, to say the least, the WORST kind of Hermeneutic, the modern church makes use of in any way purposed to the body of Christ. Please, leave people's relationships to their bodies to be moderated by the Holy Spirit, and if you truly have nothing greater than this vapid subject to discuss, take up gardening which at least, is good for the body and soul.

Posted By: Deborah | January 5, 2012 12:44 PM

I don't think we can say "whether or not it is a sin" we should do x, y, z.

Our response to it is going to depend entirely on whether or not it is a sin.

Also, whether or not shame is present really has no bearing on whether or not it is a sin.

For myself, I am now convinced that any shame I ever felt about masturbating wasn't true Holy Spirit conviction. I "struggled" against masturbating for years and years without success. My constant failure to control myself fed the shame and the shame just fed the feelings of unworthiness and rejection. I cried out to God to forgive and free me and I never felt forgiven for it. Never. I knew every time that I asked for forgiveness that my 'promises' not to do it again were lies. So, then I believed that I wasn't really repenting - because you can't repent of something you know you're just going to do again.

And the more I struggled against it, the more I was tempted with worse. When I tried to abstain I would wake up with sex dreams in the night, be tempted to fantasize and dwell on sex. The more I focused on not masturbating, the more tempted I was to dwell on sex in my mind.

It got bad enough on several occasions that I actually felt in fear of hellfire for touching myself. I questioned whether I was really saved, whether God really loved me - because why didn't He give me the strength to stop? I felt abnormal because I'd gotten the idea that I was the only girl I knew who masturbated. It might have been something normal for boys, but girls didn't 'struggle' with that. So I must be really messed up.

A few years ago I gave up the struggle. I told God "if you don't want me doing this, then you're going to have to use your infinite power and make me want to stop doing it. Otherwise, I'm going to conclude you don't really care if I masturbate." And with that prayer, finally, I felt God's peace. And His answer, not in so many words, was "do what you gotta do."

And since that moment, when I gave up the fight, I've found my desire to fantasize about sex and my vivid sex dreams have almost entirely vanished and the desire to masturbate has also decreased. The tension doesn't build anymore and the 'forbidden fruit' aspect of the temptation has been removed. The truth is, I actually masturbate much less now that I don't think it's wrong than I did when I thought I was sinning.

The struggle with lust (as I called it) had become almost the central focus of my life. And I was always losing the struggle. Now that I've stopped fighting it, it doesn't take up nearly as much of my time or thoughts. I am free to get on with my life now.

Posted By: Tamara | January 5, 2012 1:16 PM

@ Deborah: I'm unsure why you seem so disturbed by this post and comment thread. It seems that you wish to prohibit any deep theological reflection on this topic. Oddly, though, you seem to have engaged in, minimally, some preliminary reflection on this matter yourself. After all, you have concluded that we are to "leave people's relationships to their bodies to be moderated by the Holy Spirit." In that prescription alone, you are making a host of theological assumptions. Perhaps those assumptions are warranted, but I presume they came out of theological reflection on masturbation. So why attempt to preclude, indeed, ridicule, that same theological reflection here?

@Tamara: Thanks for your transparency. In some ways, I think your narrative confirms at least one of the points the author makes. In her post, the author claims that "Whether or not masturbation is a categorical sin, it is certainly something that produces shame in Angela and Jasmine—shame from which they seek deliverance." In the opening lines of your comment, Tamara, you seem to take issue with this. But your story confirms it. Even though, in your view, masturbation never was a sin, you at one point experienced deep shame, and you wanted to be free from that shame. That was just what the author was saying. She then explores how women might be delivered from that shame. Your deliverance, it seems, was to conclude that you were doing nothing wrong. Others may need something different altogether or something in addition.

Posted By: Steve | January 5, 2012 1:46 PM

Thanks for creating a space for others to speak openly about this topic. I would agree that there may be more noble issues or causes to discuss, but I appreciate that this Blog has created an open platform for people to be heard on an issue that the Church struggles to healthfully speak about it, which results in many unanswered questions about this topic. Way to try and be salt and light.

I do agree that shame/guilt does not equal sin, but God created emotions to indicate something that is internally going on, and our emotions were meant to be expressed healthfully not to be internalized and burden our bodies and relationships.

In genesis God concluded that it was not good for man to be alone. Maybe that was all God needed to say about it. Humanity was sexually designed to be in relationship with one another.

Some sisters need to clip there claws when speaking. The tongue has the power to speak (or write) life or death. Let us represent a b it better.

Posted By: L | January 5, 2012 1:47 PM

"Is female masturbation no longer a treatment for hysteria? Are doctors no longer masturbating their female patients? I used to buy these devices from the department store catalog too."

- My great-grandmother

Posted By: Anne | January 5, 2012 2:12 PM

I think a harsh condemnation of masturbation can actually lead to an obsession over it. As well people may end up feeling that all sexual feelings are shameful. We have too many married couples who have gult feelings even when they have sex with each other. They imagine that all fantasies are wrong and that sex should be done for procreation. Plus they think that only the missionary position is right.

It would be a better the occasional release from sexual tension through masturbation than going to a prostitute or searching for a sexual partner(if you are single or separated for some reason from your spouse.

The reality is that the bible is silent on the issue and 99% of men have masterbated (and the other 15 are liars) and 50% of women as well.

The real problem today is that many delay marriage for many years and many never do marry. This has created problems with finding a release for the sexual tension which is normal and not a sign of 'lust' as many preachers would have us think

Posted By: david choiniere | January 5, 2012 2:13 PM

@david

"The reality is that the bible is silent on the issue and 99% of men have masterbated (and the other 15 are liars) and 50% of women as well."

Admittedly a small sample size (due to selection bias), but I have yet to had (or overheard) a discussion about masturbation without having every woman present admitting that they do it - so 50% is probably a bit on the low side. Even the woman that thought oral (on either partner) sounded gross had done it.

Posted By: Newly Karen | January 5, 2012 2:51 PM

Thank you for discussing this topic! I have met many Christian women who struggle with masturbation, but also struggle with the shame and guilt that they feel because of it. Because few people talk about it, they feel isolated and buy into the lie that this is something women don't struggle with. Regardless of whether people think it is sinful, if those struggling with it think it is sinful, or even "dirty", the consequences of shame for them are real. There is need for Christian community to give people the safety and freedom to share with each other, I believe that it is through confession that we are more able to experience God's acceptance and forgiveness as He uses others to express His forgiveness (I'm not saying confession is necessary for forgiveness, but rather we experience forgiveness in a special when those around us forgive us). The more we talk about "taboo" issues like this, the more the people struggling with it feel comfortable talking about it - so, thank you for talking about this!

Posted By: Anon. | January 5, 2012 2:57 PM

What is difficult for me is that my husband is unable or unwilling to have sex with me. So I have masturbated on occasion because I long for the sexual release. It leaves me feeling... sad. I miss his touch and the emotional intimacy of sex with him. I don't feel shame because I don't think there's anything sinful about it, particularly since I fantasize about him while doing it. But it's certainly not what I desire.

Posted By: Anonymous | January 5, 2012 3:32 PM

@Anonymous

"What is difficult for me is that my husband is unable or unwilling to have sex with me. So I have masturbated on occasion because I long for the sexual release. It leaves me feeling... sad. I miss his touch and the emotional intimacy of sex with him. I don't feel shame because I don't think there's anything sinful about it, particularly since I fantasize about him while doing it. But it's certainly not what I desire."

Have you spoken to him about why he doesn't like or isn't able to have sex with you? It sounds to me like whatever his issue is - and from the sounds of it it is *his* issue, not yours - is driving a wedge between you.

Also, there can be a number of medical causes of lack of interest in sex, ranging from too much/too little of certain hormones to blood flow issues. I suggest discussing this with him.

Posted By: Newly Karen | January 5, 2012 4:10 PM

@Steve. You said: "@Tamara: Thanks for your transparency. In some ways, I think your narrative confirms at least one of the points the author makes. In her post, the author claims that "Whether or not masturbation is a categorical sin, it is certainly something that produces shame in Angela and Jasmine—shame from which they seek deliverance." In the opening lines of your comment, Tamara, you seem to take issue with this. But your story confirms it."

I agree with the author that the shame is a problem and what people want to escape from.

But I stand by my comment that how we go about getting free from that shame is going to depend on whether we believe the act is sinful or not.

The way to get free from the shame of real sin is confession and repentance.

The way to get free from the false shame is to realize that there is no sin.

You see, for as long as I viewed masturbation as a sin, I tried to escape the shame by praying and asking for forgiveness and God's help to stop 'sinning.' But no matter how much I asked to be forgiven, the shame did not lessen, indeed, it only got worse. And that's because the root of the problem wasn't sin but legalism.

Although the author was careful not to explicitly call masturbation a sin.... that's still the message that came across. It's still being treated as an "addiction". It's still being suggested that female masturbation is a symptom of deeper issues in women. Which suggests that 'normal' women who don't have insecurities or rejection issues won't masturbate.

The underlying implication seems to be that only women with psychological problems masturbate. "Getting to the root of female masturbation" suggests that there's some sort of psychological problem and that's why women masturbate.

Really, why can't we just acknowledge that the "root" of masturbation is that people have sexual desires and our bodies have sexual functions?

It's perfectly normal to want to have an orgasm. They're highly pleasurable and release built-up tension. Not to mention keeping the organs working properly.

There aren't necessarily any deep-seated emotional or spiritual issues that make women want to have an orgasm. Of course, there can be and probably are some women with issues who may use masturbation in an unhealthy way. But it's like saying that anyone who wants a piece of chocolate cake must be trying to assuage feelings of loneliness or rejection with food. No, usually people just like the taste of chocolate cake and so they eat it.

This line, especially, from the OP caught my eye "women who struggle with masturbation and other disordered attachments." So masturbation is a "disordered attachment"?

There's nothing disordered about enjoying an orgasm. In my humble opinion, there's something a little disordered about thinking that women masturbate because of a disorder instead of just because it feels good and is a natural bodily urge.

Posted By: Tamara | January 5, 2012 4:19 PM

After reading this, and seeing that the author quoted Driscoll, Dobson, etc., but not one bible verse, I found the article impossible to take seriously.

Posted By: justanotherchristian | January 5, 2012 4:45 PM

@justanotherchristian

"After reading this, and seeing that the author quoted Driscoll, Dobson, etc., but not one bible verse, I found the article impossible to take seriously. "

What verse is to be quoted? The Bible's pretty much silent on the subject.

Posted By: Newly Karen | January 5, 2012 5:08 PM

My whole life is wracked with guilt and shame. whether or not to masturbate is the least of my worries. in fact, if I did, I would probably feel better. Pick a topic that matters.

Posted By: seriously | January 5, 2012 6:35 PM

Thank you for this article. This is SUCH an important issue and I think you addressed it in a balanced, compassionate and intelligent manner.

Here's where I'm coming from on this issue: I am a single woman in my 20s, I have never been sexually active, I have masturbated a few times, and I struggle regularly with the temptation to do so.

I think Newly Karen, above, stated this very well:

"Masturbation, in and of itself, is neither Godly nor un-Godly. It simply is. The seeking of pleasure for the sake of pleasure, on the other hand, frequently is [unGodly]- especially when it harms one's relationship with another. Lust is also a major issue; it's a sin, flat out."

(Notice she said that pursuing pleasure for the sake of pleasure is "frequently," not "always" unGodly--I don't think that our God expects us to never seek pleasure simply for pleasure's sake. Not at all. He designed us to experience and enjoy pleasure. However it is very easy and therefore very common for the pursuit of pleasure to involve focusing on ourselves to the point of neglecting others, and/or avoiding relationships with others because seeking pleasure is easier and requires less work, and/or using pleasure as a salve for our pain rather than facing that pain head-on and seeking healing.)

I have thought and prayed a lot about the issue of masturbation, and the thing I keep coming back to is that sex is intended to be something between two people. It is this beautiful, amazing thing that God designed to be exclusively shared between a husband and a wife, to help deepen and celebrate an exclusive and close bond between them. I am no expert on this topic and no theologian, but I have heard a lot of talks/sermons on the topic of sexuality and how marriage, and sexuality within marriage, is this incredible picture of God's covenant relationship to humanity. Godly marriage (and all that comes with it) is meant to be a picture of God’s relationship with the church—in permanence, commitment, unconditional acceptance, intimacy, ecstatic joy and pleasure. I apologize for my clumsy presentation of this idea, but many others have said it far more eloquently.

And so, if that is what sex is for--to deepen, affirm and bring joy to relationship--then masturbation is completely antithetical to what sex is about. So, even aside from the question of whether masturbation is categorically sinful, it seems to me that it is at the very least a sad distortion of God's design for us and our sexuality.

The natural argument that then arises, as many have said, is "but we are humans and we have a natural sex drive, and what about those of us who aren't married and may never be? Surely we can't just go our whole lives without ever experiencing sexual release?"

Here's my 2 cents. I think the above argument comes from a perspective that presumes the following beliefs are true:

-Sexual release is a natural need we all have that must be fulfilled, just like hunger or thirst.

-The primary purpose of any sexual activity is to bring people physical pleasure.

-I have a right to sexual pleasure.

-I must have sexual pleasure to be happy.

These beliefs essentially sum up our culture’s prevailing beliefs about sexuality. However, I don't think they match up with Biblical truth. I think that if we're going to gain clarity on this issue we need to at least start with a Biblically-accurate view of what sexuality is, rather than starting with our desires and working from there.

Posted By: Lauren | January 5, 2012 6:36 PM

I want to thank you for your many insightful comments.

I wrote this piece because Angela and Jasmine approached me and shared their struggles (and joys) as well as a desire to be free from a habit that produces enormous shame for them. They'd call it an addiction (referring to their own experience). I am certain that not all women and men who masturbate have an addiction. Not everyone who masturbates feels guilty. But some do feel shame and guilt and are full of self-loathing.

Although I didn't have room in the article to say so, Angela said she masturbates when she is lonely, etc. So I wondered if there was a way that the community of Jesus, who is supposed to be a refuge but often isn't, could be a refuge for those who masturbate out of loneliness, etc. I think being around loving healthy people who love Christ is fertile ground for transformation.

My goal in sharing this piece was, as some have picked up on, to encourage those of us who are believers--the beloved community of Jesus--to be an open and gracious and truthful place where *all* people (not only those who feel shame and guilt over masturbation) can come whether in sickness or in health.

Some commenters are upset because I cited Focus On The Family and Driscoll. Those who know me, including students, and CT editors can tell you that I try to see the good across the politcal/religious spectrum and so will use various resources. I try not to be myopic, though surely I have blind spots and planks in my eyes. (Don't we all?)

In the last little paragraph where I use the term, "these burdened women," I actually had in mind Matthew 11:28-30 and almost wrote "women who are weary and heavy-ladened can find rest." In the end, I changed the wording but that is the idea I was going for. So, I didn't quote Scripture, but I do hope on a close reading that you'll see that it is Scripture-haunted.

Again, I hope this piece encourages churches to become havens of rest and healing for those who just need some rest, a place to be and belong. I also hope it provokes discussion in our churches and gives women and men the courage to seek help when necessary.

Jesus tells us to come to him. I hope that each one of us, as well as our communities, is welcoming and hospitable.

Posted By: Marlena | January 5, 2012 8:09 PM

Back in the mid to late 1960s, one of the best, non-judgmental books I read on the subject of masturbation, was Charlie Shedd's THE STORK IS DEAD. Chapter 9 is entitled "Masturbation - Gift of God". Shedd mainly wrote for, and worked with young people as a highly sought after speaker for conferences on human sexuality.

This short chapter 9 is broken down into five brief segments:
* Masturbation is practically universal.
* Masturbation has its negative side. It can be very bad.
* It is important for you to understand fantasy.
* Masturbation can be a positive factor in your total development.
* Masturbation is a gift of God.

Blessings!!!

Posted By: Bill Simpson | January 5, 2012 9:14 PM

Lauren,
Thanks for your comments. While I think you may possibly be right in thinking masturbation wrong, I think your analysis at the end of where those who disagree are coming from is wrong. While you are right that some in our culture think, for instance, that the primary purpose of any sexual act is physical pleasure, this belief is not a requirement for thinking that masturbation is not a sin. Furthermore, it is very doubtful that those who are actually making this argument here (i.e. confessing Christians) believe this.

It is quite possible to believe that masturbation is not wrong without taking on the false assumptions common in our culture. Helping each other come to the truth about this issue requires that we face up to the fact that others can disagree with us without buying in to the spirit of the age.

Posted By: Matthew | January 5, 2012 9:19 PM

I really appreciate your focus on hospitality -- the church being a place where lonely and burdened people can find healing and community. I think this angle is right on. And if a person -- male or female -- is experiencing sexual guilt (because of a real or perceived sexual sin), the church should be the place where he or she can find a caring community who helps him or her find rest in Jesus. Jesus's invitation is to carry the burden of legalism as well as the burden of sin. Having said that...

1) I think any activity that pulls a person away from God is sinful. So indeed masturbation may be sinful for some people, or perhaps for all people at certain times in life. Some people may feel deeply convicted that they cannot masturbate without sinning. As someone above mentioned, it's the Holy Spirit's job to convict us of sin and we do well to listen.

2) On the other hand, masturbation need not be an activity that separates someone from God. Promiscuity separates us from God -- whether we feel guilty about it or not -- and the Bible makes that quite clear. But masturbation is Biblically vague, as are so many other issues. What about watching violent or sexually explicit movies? Even if clothes stay on, sexually explicit movies arouse feelings in the viewer, and... what do they say -- the brain is the most important sexual organ. Or the violence in movies or video games that devalues and demeans the sanctity of life? I imagine there are more Christians, especially women, feeling guilty abut masturbating than about a lot of what we see in movies and TV. Again, we need to allow the Holy Spirit to guide our hearts in all of these matters.

3) I absolutely believe that masturbation can be a positive thing in certain situations. I agree wholeheartedly with a number of commenters above who have discussed the simple pleasure of an orgasm, similar, as one said, to the pleasure of a piece of chocolate cake. As long as it doesn't become an obsessive behavior (as anything can -- take the chocolate cake analogy), and as long as it isn't becoming a barrier to God-given intimacy in a marriage or a potential marriage (or other relationships for that matter), then it is what is it -- a simple physical sensation that is pleasurable, relaxing, etc.

I believe it is extremely uncommon for spouses to have equal sex drives. Throw in the complications of busy schedules with jobs and children, and sex can be kindof complicated. One member of the marriage may desire to have an orgasm every night before he or she falls asleep. The other may like to read or watch ESPN, and fall asleep that way. This can be a source of great marital conflict. Or, if the orgasm-desiring spouse is free to masturbate then it might not be a conflict at all. Of course it would be a great tragedy and indeed a deep marital hazard if either masturbation or ESPN took the place of sex and intimacy -- but when and where and how often is really up to the individual couple, and will vary greatly between couples.

4) Finally, it really annoys me that women are seen as somehow psychologically or spiritually disturbed if they masturbate, while men are seen as having a normal, healthy sex drive. Even Christians who truly believe masturbation is sinful, view women's masturbation with a unique suspicion. I believe this is rooted in a completely untrue assumption about women's sexuality, namely that women don't really have a physical sex drive, only an emotional sex drive that's focused on intimacy. (And I sometimes wonder if we just Christianize the misogynistic view that sex and women both exist for the pleasure of men.) While I completely concede that men and women TEND to be different sexually, everyone falls somewhere on a spectrum and women can be just as drawn to the sheer physical sensations of sex as men are. We were created this way by God, and it's just not helpful to pretend we aren't. Talk about manufacturing shame and guilt in places where it shouldn't be -- the last thing a woman needs to feel guilty about is enjoying sex! On the contrary, as CS Lewis said (roughly), sometimes the best compliment to the chef is to just enjoy the meal. Men and women are both invited by their creator to enjoy the meal that is physical and sexual pleasure.

That's my 2 cents (more like 200 I guess). Thanks for taking on such a taboo topic!

Posted By: J | January 5, 2012 9:53 PM

I think is interesting that mastrubation is condemned by many believers because "only sexual activity that takes place between two people is ordained by God - sex is made for relationship and mastrubation is wrong simply because it is solo."

Well, I think this is a waaay overly simplistic view of things. If it is ok to "watch" one's spouse mastrubating, is that not saying something about what the act of mutual mastrubation in marriage really is? It is not simply saying, "It's ok for you to do your private sin as long as you do it in front of me?" Or is it more than that?

I think that private mastrubation is where someone becomes comfortable enough with their own body and their own sexuality to have something to truly OFFER to their spouse. In marriage, mutual mastrubation is simply one way of letting someone else into the world of inner sexuality that all of us has - it's saying, "I know myself and now I will share that with you so you might know me too." But if you don't know yourself, how can you do that?

Jesus did say to "love your neighbor as you love yourself." Perhaps the marital version of this would be, "sexually pleasure your spouse in the same way that you have once sexually pleasured yourself." One only knows how to give what one already has.

Posted By: Heather W | January 5, 2012 11:51 PM

What's "disordered" is the viewpoint expressed in this article. Angela and Jasmine need to RUN from this dangerous teaching (and read the comments of Kelly and Tamara to see where the guilt and shame are REALLY coming from). What a crying shame that yet another generation of young women are being subjected to this warped and damaging view of bodies and sexuality.

Posted By: Christian Lawyer | January 6, 2012 8:20 AM

What an interesting discussion.

I think that Tamara's sharing of her personal experience is important and telling. If Tamara had not believed, at the beginning, that masturbation was, as Marlena puts it, a "categorical sin," would she have felt all that shame about it? It seems to me the answer is no. And what is telling is: the weight of her shame made it into an obsession for her, which in turn helped it to become an addiction. I think this happens much, much more often than people think.

I used to wonder what the "unforgivable sin" was as a kid and worry about it. I wondered if you said this or that thing against God, if that was it. I ended up with obsessive thoughts, insults against God running through my head, unable to get them to stop. For years. It was a great source of fear and guilt to me, honestly, even into my college years. It was when I finally became sure I wouldn't go to Hell for this, and confessed it all to another person who actually wasn't shocked by the content of the thoughts, that I was free.

That's the thing with Tamara's story too: *it stopped being an addiction that controlled her when the fear and guilt went away.*

I imagine she was young during the bad time, like me. Young people can be very sensitive even if they don't always show it. Especially to guilt. I think we need to be very, very careful not to pile on them burdens greater than they can bear.

I think that we do too much focusing on "categorical sin". The categories of sin are well-known. They are named. That's what the Ten Commandments are for. Is smoking a categorical sin? A lot of Christians seem to think so. To me this is awful, a way of dividing people. I wish every smoker on earth could be empowered to quit tomorrow, but I also wish they could come to every church without feeling shamed. If God has not said a thing is sin, why do we take it on ourselves to say so?

Smoking, drinking, and masturbation are things to proceed carefully with, things where we should stop and question ourselves as to what is too much and whether we are doing things in a healthy way, whether we are helping or hindering our connection with God--and, in the case of masturbation, the health of the sexuality we will offer to our future or present spouse. (OK, smoking's so addictive it's smarter not to do it at all, but what if you're hooked? How do you approach it then?) Dare I say it: eating, working, shopping and Facebook, for many people, are the same way.

I understand that Marlena didn't say it was a categorical sin but just asked the question. I am saying I think the answer is a clear "no." Some here have said or implied that it may be a sin for some people but not for others. I argue: that makes it not a sin. A sin is very different from something that can be done in a sinful way. I can *laugh* in a sinful way.

That's what I would say to Angela and Jasmine: it's not wrong, but it sounds as if it has become unhealthy for you. Let's work on that.

Posted By: Crooked Bird | January 6, 2012 10:02 AM

@Newly Karen, I know why. He is bipolar and in a severe depression. He has no interest in sex and the medications he is on make it physically impossible. He is in treatment, and we are both in therapy. There's no easy solution at this time. I'm pretty much left to my own devices, so to speak, hoping that things might change someday.

Posted By: Anonymous | January 6, 2012 10:04 AM

For serious, who wrote: "My whole life is wracked with guilt and shame." God doesn't see you as shameful at all.

2 Corinthians 5:17-20 - "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them." I think Paul meant exactly what he said; God will never count any of your sins against you in any way now that you are a new creation in Christ.

Romans 8:1-2 - "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death." All punishment (condemnation) for sin - even those you haven't yet committed - is gone forever.

hebrews 9:12 - "[Christ] entered the Most Holy Place once for all by his own blood, thus obtaining eternal redemption." Eternal means eternal. Your redemption has already happened for all eternity.

God himself does not condemn you, so carrying a load of "guilt and shame" on your shoulders is not at all part of his plan for your life. You have been forgiven, you are clean, and you are redeemed right now (even if you just committed another sin). I hope that everyone in Christ knows the freedom of the good news.

Cheers,
Tim

Posted By: Tim | January 6, 2012 10:42 AM

I want to be less self focused. I desire to know God more intimately. I want to think of others as more important than myself. I long to be free self centered attitudes and jealousy. Can HERmeneutics help me with this goal?

Posted By: Anonymous | January 6, 2012 12:15 PM

All we are but, fellow strugglers, struggling together, some with one thing and some with another. BUT God so loves and cares, that HE saves, sanctifies, and satisfies those who come humbly to Him for deliverance from sin and shame and gives them a new name, and His empowering Spirit to help us grow and glow more like HIM, as we earnestly seek Him by leading of His Spirit and His truth. All of us need loving support from one another, for all have sinned and come short of the glory of God. And if you have been delivered by HIM, you fully know HE is able deliver others from any kind of bondage.

And when God is personally present, a living Spirit, that old, constricting legislation is recognized as obsolete. We're free of it! All of us! Nothing between us and God, our faces shining with the brightness of his face. And so we are transfigured much like the Messiah, our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like him. 2 Corinthians 3:17-18MSG

Posted By: Larry | January 6, 2012 1:49 PM

What was missing from this article was a definition of "addiction".

What is "addiction" to masturbation. Masturbating once a month, once a week, once a day, on the bus? What?

Does a woman who regularly masturbates "addicted" to masturbation? Does a woman who regularly has orgasms with her husband "addicted" to orgasms.

While, perhaps, there are people who are addicted to sex and orgasms, I have the feeling that the definition of "addiction" in Christian circles, when it comes to issues of sex, is not to be trusted.

If a man regularly ejaculates in his sleep, is he addicted to some sort of unhealthy sexual practice (other than abstinence,perhaps?)

Would it be better for these people to merely suffer with natural feelings of sexual arousal and go off in their sleep (women too?)

Peoples bodies have needs. I'm so sad that religion continually pretends that this is bad, and that trying to feel comfortable and relieved (and enjoyment too!) is bad.

Let's get this straight, people's bodies are sexual, whether they're sexually active people are not. They are sexual beings whether they're with another person or not! Then what!?

Deny, deny, deny. I guess. Guilt, guilt, guilt.

Vague religious pretexts trump physical realities.

Sad, sad, sad.

Posted By: Annette | January 6, 2012 4:46 PM

@newly karen
What verse is to be quoted? The Bible's pretty much silent on the subject.

That was my point, (which I guess I didn't make very well).

Posted By: justanotherchristian | January 6, 2012 5:02 PM

When appealing to the canon of scripture does not work then appeal to the canon of psychology. (If there is one)

Posted By: Basil | January 6, 2012 5:30 PM

@ Annette Remember in Evangelicalism a pastor, writer or teachers job is never complete until they have made you feel guilty about something.

Posted By: Basil | January 6, 2012 5:34 PM

You want a definition of sin?

Susanna Wesley, the mother of John Wesley once wrote: "Whatever weakens your reason, impairs the tenderness of your conscience, obscures your sense of God, or takes off your relish of spiritual things; in short, whatever increases the strength and authority of your body over your mind, that thing is sin to you, however innocent it may be in itself"

She is one wise woman indeed.

Posted By: CM | January 6, 2012 7:00 PM

@Anonymous

Being less self-focused etc can come through many things. For myself, I've found that by getting personally involved with the problems and concerns of others - regardless of if they are people I only know online or if they are people I know in person - helps me along that path. Not every issue is important to every single person, but there are many that are important to a lot of people. By the way, are you the same Anonymous I was talking to or a different one? Just curious.

@Annette

"Addiction" to masturbation is different for each person. I'd say that if the impulse to masturbate is preventing you from operating in a normal fashion, it's an addiction.

@Basil

I disagree completely. I've had Evangelical pastors and teachers, and I thought they did a wonderful job simply by teaching the words of Christ. Not all Evangelicals are about the fire & brimstone, and even amongst those that are there's a wide variety of teaching methods.

@CM

Interesting. Possibly a little overboard - that could potentially include the idea that entertainment is automatically sinful - but interesting. In any case, it's pretty close to what I believe, and I can't think of a better way to say it to make it clear that things that take our mind off our troubles are not inherently sinful.

Posted By: Newly Karen | January 6, 2012 10:49 PM

Thank-you SO much for this article. I struggled with this for 15 years until I finally got married at age 30. (By the way, there have been a couple of comments blaming people in this generation who choose to "wait" until their late 20s or 30s to get married. I would have loved to get married younger but did not have the opportunity.) This was a huge source of shame for me, not only because I had been told and also felt it was a sin, but also because of the predominant belief that it is a man's issue and I was an outlier as a woman struggling with it. A lot of my shame also came from the fact that I did not feel I had control over it. I couldn't stop myself. This is whereI it can feel like (or be?) an addiction. I searched for books and articles on it from a Christian perspective, but they were few and far between and mostly written for men (who are struggling with that whole "visual" sexuality thing - making me feel even more like a freak or perv as a woman and created more isolation and loneliness. Intried talking to a Christian counselor about it and she insisted we call it "self abuse" when talking about it.

One day a close friend happened to casually mention that she masturbated regularly - she saw it as completely natural and remained a strong and committed Christian.. I can't describe the impact this made on me. It had everything to do with the knowledge that I wasnt alone in this behavior and could talk about it relatively freely with someone and very little to do with the fact that she didn't consider it a sin.

I finally came to the place where I decided the physical act was not a sin, but the lustful fantasies that went along with it were - especially the ones about real people whether I had seen them in a movie or knew them in person. Trouble is, for me, it is virtually impossible to masturbate without fantasizing and so I still struggled with the guilt of being unable to "control my passions" until I got married.

I feel like that shame has had a big impact on my sexual relationship with my husband. I am also so very concerned about how to guide my children in this. I don't want them to agonize over it as I did or for it to impact their spiritual life as it did mine. I remember reading in Dobson's book bringing up boys that he could not think of many other behaviors that are more universal than masturbation and that a parent shouldn't make an issue of it, but I don't want my kids to feel alone and afraid to broach the subject, but I dont know what advice or wisdom to give them on this topic that I never resolved and over which I experienced such feelings of failure and despair. Especially the issue of fantasizing and lust which objectifies people and can lead them into addiction and pornography as the fantasies (at least for me) began to be more and more lurid. I pray about this regularly and ask God to give me wisdom in parenting and ask him to protect my children from the pain and spiritual damage my struggle with masturbation did to me.

One more note - I often used masturbation as a way to fall asleep and read a survey fairly recently where a large percentage of women cited that as regular reason they masturbated.

Thanks again for providing a place to talk about this and encouraging the church to be that place too.

Thank you again for bringing this up

I

Posted By: Z | January 7, 2012 2:54 AM

"these burdened women who struggle with masturbation and other disordered attachments "

Masturbation a disordered attachment? Please. You want to know why youth leave the church in droves? Because they can't reconcile this kind of shame-inducing, guilt-creating, narrow-minded nonsense from what Christians say they are about.

Posted By: Chris | January 7, 2012 8:44 AM

@Anonymous: "I want to be less self focused. I desire to know God more intimately. I want to think of others as more important than myself. I long to be free self centered attitudes and jealousy. Can HERmeneutics help me with this goal?"

Her.Meneutics may not necessarily be able to help you with this goal but God certainly can. Read Scripture and pray (as cliched as these two pieces of advice may sound, they are true). Develop your relationship with God, which may include reading Her.Meneutics and other sources of Spiritual advice, and through a relationship with Christ He, our Savior and Lord, will lead you to become more like Him. No source of Spiritual advice other than that which comes from the God above will be able to lead you to Him independent of a relationship with Him.

Also, to those who treat masturbation as a natural release of sexual tension: you are divorcing the physical act from the mental act, a logical error. The physical act in and of itself is not addressed in Scripture and thus falls to the Spirit to convict (or not). However, the thought-act of lust is solidly addressed in Scripture.

Numbers 15:39 "You will have these tassels to look at and so you will remember all the commands of the LORD, that you may obey them and not prostitute yourselves by chasing after the lusts of your own hearts and eyes."

Proverbs 6:25: "Do not lust in your heart after her beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes."

Matthew 5:27-29: “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell."

1 Corinthians 7:8-9: "Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion."

Masturbation disassociated from lustful thoughts is extremely rare. In some cases (such as those associated with a spouse) this is permissible. But as someone who has struggled with this area for years, it became a matter that I needed to resolve not physically but mentally, as an area of habitual sin in my thoughts. Scripture instructs us not to lust and if masturbation acts to increase (or simply further) lust in our hearts and minds, what else can it be but adultery in the heart?

Consequently, this acted as an area which I had to remove, an eye I had to gouge out. I tried again and again and failed but God is faithful to sustain, to heal, to love us despite our shame, depredation, and doubt. If I fall again then again I will turn to Him and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that again my Shepherd will open his arms and welcome me into them. Thus through my personal experience and Scriptural reading I do not believe that masturbation is inescapable. It is not merely a manual experience we must experience and follow (consequently: a type of slavery). I believe that God does bring freedom, sometimes we can discover this on our own; sometimes we require the aid of others. Sometimes we can escape fully and sometimes (as those above pointed out) it results from extended single-hood which means the pursuit of a spouse might need to take a top priority so we do not 'burn in passion'. But this is a matter of the thoughts in our mind, of lust, and the fight against passions which often do threaten to consume us.

Finally, to those who say this is a trivial discussion that should not even be on Her.Meneutics: for some it may be. For some this is something not wrong to discuss but simply irrelevant. But I know for me this article was a huge blessing which showed that I am not alone, either in my thoughts, my struggle, or my healing. Healthy discussion should take place in the church on all sorts of topics, especially those viewed as sinful or trivial. For if we do not have healthy discussion then how do we bond together in support and love?

Thank you so much, Marlena!

Posted By: Anonymous | January 7, 2012 12:09 PM

Wow people! As Anonymous @ 12:09 p.m. wondered, just where are we supposed to have and encourage this discussion?

Where are those who struggle with guilt and shame supposed to go? I know, I know: away from the church. They should flee from some churches. Some do heap guilt and shame. However, while the church has been guilty of evil it has also been guilty of much good.

Perhaps Marlena is the kind of person people can approach.

@Chris: Do you know that it's not about disordered attachments? Are you a counselor? Perhaps you are. I think counselors probably have a range of opinions.

There's nothing wrong with giving one's opinion. Nothing. But one of my least favorite things is when non-experts talk as if they are.

Posted By: Anon. | January 7, 2012 12:28 PM

Why is the distinction between licit and illicit sexuality supposed to be decided by whether it is relational rather then what scripture says? Doesn't that imply giving to much to the world's romanticist notions? Isn't "we loved each other" the stereotypical excuse for fornication and adultery?

And are couples in arranged marriages fornicating when they consummate, because after all they have no feelings for each other beyond sense of duty and basic biology?

And most important, wouldn't that make deciding the rules for sex dependent on interpreting our emotions which are notoriously erratic, ambiguous, and hard to interpret?

And in any case if we are going to say sex is "relational" is it irrelevant to point out that every other aspect of life is as well?

Forbidding an activity not forbidden by scripture on the basis that it is not relational enough carries the assumption that one can condone activities that are. We all know about the old cliche of the heartless spouse and the sensitive adulterer or adulteress.

Posted By: jason taylor | January 7, 2012 9:14 PM

Thank you for this article. This is definitely one thing I have really struggled with. Masturbation was always something I've done, since a very young age (9 or so). But I grew up in an environment where girls were not supposed to have any sex drive whatsoever and where sex just wasn't talked about. So I felt intense shame for what I was doing, but at the same time if I didn't do it sex was all I could focus on. I happen to be a woman with a very strong sex drive who, unusually for a woman, also happens to be rather visual. I had (and still have) sex dreams nightly. I get turned on by attractive men, particularly when they walk around shirtless. I gave up watching sports in high school because I found it too much of a temptation. I've struggled with an addiction to pornography in the past.

As I felt God's call to deal with my sexual addictions, and as I was mentored by a fellow Christian woman, I realized that there was a difference between the conviction from God about my actual sexual sins and the shame I felt from masturbation that I wasn't getting from God. The weird thing is that I've found that masturbation has actually helped me control my lust. I still notice attractive men, but I can control it and look away and turn my thoughts back where they are supposed to be. I can fight the urge, which is still often there, to turn to pornography. I can deal with the sexual feelings when they emerge and then get on with my life.

Posted By: Anna | January 7, 2012 11:42 PM

@Kathleen:

The author does not claim that all masturbation arises out of disordered attachment. Rather, she quotes a counselor (Jenny) who thinks that masturbation "often, but not always" arises out of disordered attachment. This *very modest* claim hardly constitutes a "sloppy conflation of masturbation practices with sexual addiction". Not even close.

Moreover, it's crystal clear from the essay that the author is quoting Driscoll and Focus on the Family merely in order to show that "opinions vary among Christian leaders." No one can plausibly deny that among evangelicals Driscoll and Focus on the Family are regarded as Christian leaders. That's obviously why the author quoted Driscoll. It was not because "the author can't be bothered to be precise." Again, Kathleen, not even close.

Furthermore, refraining from using someone's real name in a story about female masturbation, especially when that person already feels shame, hardly counts as a "cheap journalistic gimmick." Rather, it's simply refusing to publicly out someone in a national forum. (And aren't you implausibly assuming that these college students would consent to their real names being used in a national forum?)

Finally, the photo is certainly appropriate: Angela and others want to stay in the shadows due to their shame. The photo represents that. It's not like the photo choice constitutes an *order* for Angela and others to stay in the shadows or constitutes some claim to the effect that they *ought* to feel shame!

Honestly, you should be "embarrassed" for your "juvenile" and shoddy comment. Goodness.

Posted By: A Professor | January 8, 2012 4:33 PM

@ Christian Lawyer

I'm afraid that it is your comment that is "mixed up" and "imprecise". I'll take your comments in the order in which you presented them.

To say that masturbation "often but not always" arises from some disordered attachment is indeed a very modest claim. It's a claim that is fully consistent with masturbation often arising from something *other* than disordered attachment. (Compare: There are a thousand marbles in an urn. Six hundred are red. Four hundred are blue. I draw marbles one at a time from the urn. Often, but not always, I draw a blue marble. There are a lot of them, after all. However, more often than not, I draw a red. There are more of those.) Logically, "often but not always" is a modest expression.

Further, you claim that the grammatical formulation "masturbation and other disordered attachments" is used to "say that the first thing is part of the second category." Importantly, though, it does *not* entail that the first thing is *always* a part of the second. You give three examples. I'll give three, too. Consider: "kissing and other signs of affection" and "smiling and other signs of goodwill" and "dancing and other expressions of joy". None of the expressions would raise eyebrows. None are rightly regarded as a case of misspeaking or being misleading. However, none of these expressions are best interpreted as claims to the effect that the first thing is *always* a part of the second. For example, some kisses are not signs of affection; they are acts of betrayal. Some smiles are not signs of goodwill; they are arrogant gestures of superiority. Sometimes a dance is not an expression of joy; it's an attempt to make another jealous. Consequently, when the author says "masturbation and other disordered attachments" she is not committed to the claim that *all* instances of masturbating are instances of disordered attachment. Nor is she rightly charged with misspeaking or being misleading, unless you (implausibly) think that these other epxressions are cases of misspeaking or being misleading.

Furthermore, since you want to pay close attention to grammatical formulations, note that the author writes the following: "if masturbation is often about more than pleasure—if it’s at root about intimacy and healthy attachment—I believe the Christian community can help women like Angela and Jasmine break free." Note that this is a *conditional* claim. As I'm sure you know quite well, to claim "if x, then y" is decidely *not* to assert that x. (For example, suppose I claim "if consensual marital sex is a sin, then he is definitely a sinner." I am hardly claiming that consensual marital sex *really is* a sin. The "if" is crucial.) Consequently, the author is exploring what the church might do on the condition that masturbation is about more than pleasure, etc.

Moreover, you are clearly mistaken about the "central point of the article." In my view, the conditional claim I highlight above is the thesis: roughly, if masturbation is often about more than just pleasure and is rather about intimacy and relationship, then the Christian community can help. You get further evidence of this in the final paragraph, which is where you yourself look for the central point. So, you look in the right place, but you latch on to the wrong bit. You should have latched on to the overall point about our churches being "sanctuaries of hope and hospitality brimming with grace and truth." Note also the reference to Bonhoeffer and his "Life Together".

Finally, you claim that "what the girls need is what Tamara and Kelly and Kathleen and others have said, which is for someone to tell them that they are not doing anything shameful at all." Unfortunately, even if you are right that their masturbating is okay, I suspect that you can't just say (even a lot) "you're not doing anything shameful."

First, Angela and Jasmine may continue to insist that their masturbation really is a shameful act. Merely saying or arguing that their masturbation isn't shameful doesn't settle their shame issue; these girls would have to agree. Why think they would?

Second, even if they were to agree that their masturbation isn't wrong or shameful, they may very well still feel considerable shame for it. As some might put it, one's conscience doesn't always follow one's convictions. For example, almost surely a lot of people really believe that their premarital consensual heterosexual activity is morally okay, but they still feel guilty for doing it. Their conscience still nags them even though they really do believe that what they're doing is okay. So why think that things would be any different for Angela and Jasmine?

Posted By: A Professor | January 8, 2012 10:28 PM

Masturbation entered my life after I was molested at age 7 by a neighbor boy. My play became sexualized and my masturbation fantasies were sadistic and abusive. As I grew older and understood "the facts of life" better, my perverted fantasies just grew more sophisticated. After I came to the Lord at age 20, I abhorred these disgusting fantasies, but didn't find a way to break free from the hold that masturbation had on me. I went on to have a spiritually fruitful and outwardly pure Christian life, but never could win the struggle to quit masturbating. And struggle I did--using all kinds of spiritual disciplines and seeking help from my pastor and his wife. The filth of my fantasies appalled me, but NOTHING I did could break the hold this thing had on me. One night I was praying with a friend who worked with drug addicted teenagers. She had been literally "drafted" into praying for deliverance for these kids who wanted to be faithful disciples but were being held captive by spiritual forces. Out of necessity, my friend had become a powerful and effective prayer warrior against the hosts of wickedness. Once these kids were freed from their demonic tormentors, they were able to live out their discipleship in a way that had previously been impossible for them. Anyhow, this night my friend and were just talking at one point, and suddenly she looked piercingly at me and said in a commanding tone of voice: What is your name? I felt a bit of a gut wrench and one bitter word almost spit out of my mouth: "Masturbation!" I was shocked--shocked that my mouth could speak a word that my mind wasn't thinking about and that my will had made no plan to articulate. My friend told masturbation that it was coming out and had no place in me because I belonged to Jesus. Then she commanded it to come out in the Name of Jesus, and I just sort of gagged with kind of a vomiting reflex (minus the vomit) and it was gone. My testimony is this. Prior to the experience described above which occured when I was about 40, I was unable to stop myself from masturbating. Since then, I have never masturbated even once, and I will be 70 in less than 6 months. I suppose it’s possible that demons are not involved with some people’s masturbation, but I believe that being ignorant of the devil’s devices in this area keeps many in needless bondage. And for all those who think that the absence of something specific in scripture about the subject equals a license to pursue it without guilt, I would propose they consider the implications of Philippians 4:8. If a person can masturbate while maintaining thoughts that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy, then perhaps they can proceed without guilt. But I still think it’s a good rule of thumb to consider whether we’d like to be doing (fill in the blank) when the Lord returns. Even if I could think pure thoughts while masturbating, I wouldn’t like to be found doing it in His immediate presence—and we already are there, all the time. In Him we live and move and have our being. I am grateful beyond words for the grace of God in Jesus Christ that not only saved me from eternal damnation, but delivered me from the house of bondage this side of heaven. I have told my story to offer hope to those who despair of breaking the hold this thing has had on their lives and to respond to those who claim the subject shouldn’t be of concern to Christians by quoting Jeremiah 6:14 - They have healed the hurt of the daughter of my people slightly saying ”Peace, peace,” when there is no peace.

Posted By: racerunner | January 8, 2012 11:52 PM

Thank you racerunner for your testimony. I know from my own past experiences that demonic spirits can be behind struggles. Whom the Son has set free is free indeed!

Thank you for submitting this article, in my 23 years with the Lord, I never read anything about this subject.

Posted By: Rita | January 9, 2012 6:16 AM

I agree with J and Chris - to imply it's ALWAYS about disordered attachments, psychological problems, abuse, or addiction is to heap additional shame on women. (Would you say the same about men?) It's one thing to struggle over the rightness of the action in God's sight, and it's another to heap the shame of "hey, if you struggle with this, you must have serious psychological issues or a troubled past" on women (but, again, not on men). I hope I don't need to be an expert to say that.

Posted By: A | January 9, 2012 1:01 PM

Thanks for sharing Marlena. I agree that there are deeper issues. Thank God who has just delivered me from those deeper issues--body image issues and not really fully understanding and accepting God's love for me. These are struggles that run years deep, and that were opening up a very real spiritual door for attacks from Satan and desires to fulfill fleshly longings—even if in my mind I was imagining how it would be to be married.
But God quickly revealed that is NOT His design. In my head I told myself that God created humans for each other and I am created for this kind of feeling. These were both lies from Satan. I am not created to lay in bed and fantasize.
I am first and foremost created for an intimate relationship with the Creator of the Universe and the Lover of my soul (in a completely non-sexual way of course! See Isaiah 43:21—“ This people I have formed for Myself; They shall declare My praise.”), and then I am created for relationship with my fellow humans).
Another lie from Satan was, "This is how it will feel when I am married, just imagine..." which led straight to lustful thoughts and discontent for where God has placed me NOW. I was fighting a losing war to think I could stimulate myself sexually without thinking about another person, because God designed sex to be two-way. I found that as much as I wanted to engage in "pure" masturbation without fantasizing about other people, names of young men I knew would always inevitably come to my mind. And that kind of fantasizing is committing adultery in my heart.
Now, I make no provision for the flesh, and leave no open door for darkness. God is faithful and always provides a way out. Now I know I must FLEE sexual immorality. My body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, so I do not defile the temple of the Most High God!
Ultimately, though, what set me free was not fear, shame, or condemnation but looking at Jesus and seeing His immense love for me! Also, I saw the just-out sex-trafficking documentary Nefarious at the OneThing Conference in Kansas City, brought me to tears. Although I have never had sex or even a boyfriend, I have been molested and I have struggled with poor body image and sexual thoughts. I identified on a deep level with the women who have been victimized in the sex trade—not because I want to go sell myself on the street, but because that is Satan’s kingdom. He is the father of lies and he enslaves women and men with his lies. It is a complete web of deception that keeps these women selling their bodies or not even trying to run away from their captors. The lies keep them digging themselves deeper and deeper into their holes of destruction and pain. When the film came to a climax and showed women who have been restored when they looked to Jesus and saw His immense love for them, I wept even more. I finally got it. Then I went to some women from my church who embraced me. I cried for about 15 minutes. I was finally free. Finally delivered from all the lies.
I am free! Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom! And I am confident that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor present things nor things in the future, will be able to keep me from the love of Christ!
I have such freedom and love and joy now! While I was weeping and these sisters were praying for me and hugging me, I heard God tell me I would be worshiping in total joy the next day, instead of just crying during worship like I often did. Sure enough, I just couldn’t wipe that smile off my face the next day! Jesus is so good! He frees so completely! I am no longer a slave to sin, but I am free in Christ!

Posted By: Cedarville student | January 9, 2012 3:53 PM

Such a painful read, this column.

Stop heaping shame and guilt on women for having normal sexual desire - and a need for an outlet.

It is very hard to live with the way the evangelical church treats people for experiencing normal, biologically cued urges when there is a double standard for men and women. There are a few comments about this already, and those commenters said what I wanted to say.

Living in a haze of guilt is not unhealthy for the body, to the mind, to the soul.

Please understand that women have sexual needs, too. They can't always be met by another human being. Anyone who hasn't hit menopause can tell you that there are biological cues for women (cyclical) that are as unavoidable for us as are wet dreams and erections for men.

The intent of this column seems to be one that reinforces shame rather than helping people to be free of it.

Remember "Be angry, but sin not?" How about striking "anger" and adding "have strong sexual desires" instead>?

Huh. Changes the equation, doesn't it?

Posted By: b.z | January 9, 2012 10:38 PM

I had written a large entry on this subject before because I used to be someone who struggled with masturbation since I was a very young child until I was engaged with my husband. I think the problem with masturbation in general is that it is a bit selfish and my body and pleasure should be stored away for my husband alone. When I masturbated I didn't lust, but every time I'd finish I'd cry out to God to take it away from me and to not allow me to get to the point of touching myself. He freed me from this problem ten years ago, but I have had conversations with many women who openly explained they felt nothing was wrong with it. My body is to belong to my husband's alone and if I were to pleasure myself if I were not married or without the presence of my husband's involvement, it would be sinning against not only my husband, but against God. My convictions were always much stronger than other women around me, but I knew this even before I was reading scriptures based on sex. . .I knew I was doing wrong. Every man I know who ever had a masturbation problem also has admitted the same things. . that masturbation even without thoughts of lust were sinful and they knew it was wrong until someone told them down the line that it was "normal".

One of my close friends had a masturbation problem and she asked me to be her accountability partner (she was doing it without lusting). Since her conviction, my help, and God's work in her life, she was set free from this (even though she is single and it is hard for her). She said to me that the more she filled her life with seeking out Christ's will for her life, the more she didn't feel like pleasing her sexual desires. For most women they'd find this absurd, but it was something that really was life changing for her (and for me ten years ago).

anyway I have so much I can say on this subject but I'll leaVe it at that.

Posted By: Victoria / Justice Pirate | January 10, 2012 8:51 AM

Ah, masturbation. You know, I lead a recovery group for women who are trying to live lives of sexual integrity. Masturbation is one of those topics that comes up consistently. While I am no authority on the subject, I have heard Becky Patton speak on the subject (http://www.truessenceshop.net) and have found her take fascinating. Read her book "Holy Sexuality".. she does a fantastic job dissecting this subject.

Posted By: Angie | January 10, 2012 4:13 PM

OK I was not looking for this subject. I have been grieving losing my young wife very recently and googled will we see our loved ones in heaven (which we will) but I wanted more details. It lead me to CT. And I noticed this subject which raised another obvious question. Are will allowed to remember the love we shared? And how so? She spent much time in the hospital and told me to because we could not in the hospital. I hardly ever did because I felt strange without her. So now that she is gone can I think of her that way. Or do I run around frantically trying to find another wife. I am not going to do that and that last question was rhetorical. My point is it gets really foggy when talking about this subject and where God is silent we should tread carefully on conclusions and judgements less we be judged the same as we judged others. Among men that's over 90% in this subject. So remember it is Satan who uses self guilt to make you feel inadequate so you are not as effective witness. Marriage is awesome, not easy but well worth it but in our modern world it has become increasingly pushed off for later. That's wrong and is robbing yourself for worldly desires.

Posted By: Pete | January 11, 2012 10:37 AM

After the Penn State scandal, I read something about more people than we know having sexual attraction to children. How these people manage it is to masturbate before they know they will be around children, not let children sit on their laps, etc. Understandably, no one wants to admit to the attaction but it is there for some (as is same sex attraction that doesn't just go away). I don't want to think about what their fantasies may be when they're doing this, but there is no doubt it is preferable to the alternative, destruction of so many lives.

I've also heard of men masturbating before a date so that they will not be tempted to go too far with the woman. Is that wrong? Would it be wrong for a woman to do it too?

Posted By: Anonymous | January 11, 2012 12:41 PM

Churches do not and never will handle this subject very well, because they are run by human beings.

Posted By: Eddie Stillson | January 16, 2012 1:45 AM

Newly Karen:
@Anonymous: "I want to be less self focused. I desire to know God more intimately. I want to think of others as more important than myself. I long to be free self centered attitudes and jealousy. Can HERmeneutics help me with this goal?"

This is not the original Anonymous with the bipolar husband. I'll call myself Anonymous1 and that person can be Anonymous2.

@Victoria/Justice Pirate, you said, "I think the problem with masturbation in general is that it is a bit selfish and my body and pleasure should be stored away for my husband alone." Great. What about when your husband doesn't want your body or pleasure? Then what do you do?

Posted By: Anonymous1 | January 17, 2012 2:04 PM

Sorry. That was unclear. The comment in quotes above is NOT from the original Anonymous. This is the original Anonymous, calling myself Anonymous1.

Posted By: Anonymous1 | January 17, 2012 2:06 PM