Her.meneutics: The Untapped Potential of the At-Home Mom

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« 'Why I Hate Religion But Love Jesus’: To Adore or Abhor? | Main | When the State Took Away My Life: North Carolina Grapples with Sterilization Practice »

January 17, 2012

The Untapped Potential of the At-Home Mom

With the right schedule, mothers can raise a family and pursue their career, too.

Suanne Camfield, guest blogger

Recently a friend of mine plopped down on the couch next to me and asked the question I get asked more than any other these days: “How’s it been since you’ve been back to work?”

Like always, I answered in two parts. First, from the part of me that spent eight years as an at-home mom, the part that has reemerged from under diapers and Sippy cups and found new life: “Good. It’s been really good.”

And second, from the part of me that has yet to figure out how to successfully manage my job, two elementary-age children, a full-time pastor husband who’s also in graduate school, life-giving friendships, and a sanity-keeping exercise routine without having an emotional breakdown over the fact that we haven’t had milk in two days or that no one has clean socks—the part that’s exhausted and overwhelmed: “But hard. It’s been really hard.”

The balance between “good” and “hard” is difficult for any woman, and downright daunting for women who have chosen to set aside our careers for a season to focus on our children, but who are now reentering the workforce. We long for the “good”—to use our gifts outside the home in a meaningful way (while contributing financially to the household). But we’re terrified of the “hard,” wondering if going back to work means forsaking the same family we gladly gave up work for to begin with.

The Center for Work Life Policy estimates that 31 percent of highly qualified women “off ramp”—voluntarily quit their jobs for a period of time—on average for 2.7 years. The study, which resulted in Sylvia Ann Hewitt’s bestselling book, Off Ramps and On Ramps: Keeping Talented Women on the Road to Success, hasn’t been without controversy. The term “highly qualified” is reserved for women with whom, statistically speaking, I wouldn’t fall in the same academic or professional category, nor would many women I know.

Yet the term on its own (“highly qualified”) characterizes most of the women I know: smart, college educated, capable, competent, gifted women who have chosen to push pause on their career, at least for a time, to meet the demands of raising a family. According to the U.S. Census Bureau Report, those who choose to fully step out of the workforce join the ranks of some 5.6 million at-home moms.

There does come a day, however, when many of these same women either want, or for financial reasons need, to reenter the workforce (usually when their last child enters school). But the obstacles posed by a traditional workplace, in conjunction with an admirable unwillingness among such “highly qualified women” to sacrifice their family’s needs, can seem insurmountable. The traditional workplace—40 hours per week, nine to five, with limited vacation—was designed in the industrial age, when the vast majority of workers focused solely on their jobs while their wives managed the home front. With 71 percent of mothers with children under 18 already in the workforce, that’s no longer the case. The limits of such an environment leave many capable women who want to go back to work afraid to even try.

The predicament is fairly new for women in the 21st century.

In a recent Huffington Post article, columnist Lisa Belkin describes her reaction to learning that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, who has the highest political office ever held by a woman, didn’t attempt to reenter the workforce until her five children were almost out of the house. Belkin ascribes Pelosi’s trajectory to a moment in history when women could raise their children, then delve into a career. She notes several influential women who, like Pelosi, “spent years on the slow career track or as a stay-at-home-mother, and came roaring back when their children were older.”

Today, the “slow career track,” while often the best decision for the entire family, is not without its disadvantages (however worth it) for the women who choose its path. In 2010, of the 31 percent of women who off-ramped, 73 percent who tried to return to the workforce reported it difficult to find a job. Those who did return lost 16 percent of their earning power, while 22 percent stepped down to a lower job title.

Some good news: Flexible work arrangements (FWAs) are becoming increasingly popular, giving women today a few more options than Pelosi’s generation had. Studies show that employers who are willing to provide flexible schedules, including the amount of hours worked, the timeframe in which those hours are worked, as well as the place in which they’re worked, enjoy lower overhead, higher retention rates and have happier and more productive employees.

Less than two years ago, Compassion International, for example, piloted a home-sourcing program for their customer service center. They initially made the decision to lower their overhead (which they did), but in the process found the program increased morale, in large part because of the enormous benefits to families, in particular moms. Call center director Rich Van Eaton said that without the program, “We would have lost some of our very best employees.” The call center has plans to increase their home-based program while enthusiasm for flexibility seeps into other parts of the organization.

More than 2,000 years ago, Jesus broke with social traditions and opened his ministry to the active contribution of women, in ways that both brought them life and advanced the kingdom.

Today, many gifted women—moms—are wrestling with the overwhelming desire to actively contribute, or have dire financial needs in an historic moment deemed the Great Recession, but also see the incalculable value of getting their kids off the bus and making the 3pm soccer game. It’d be nice if the workplace, especially those over which Christians have influence, could be their partner rather than their opposition.

Suanne Camfield is a freelance writer, blog manager for fulfill.org and founding member of the Redbud Writers Guild. She lives in the Chicago area and works 32 flexible hours per week for InterVarsity Press. Read her blog, friend her on Facebook or follow her on Twitter @SuanneCamfield.

Comments

Great post, Suanne. I quite agree: "It'd be nice if the workplace...could be [our] partner rather than [our] opposition." Thanks!

Thank you SO much for writing on this topic!

I am in the position right now of trying to figure out whether working from home will be possible after my child is born.

While I know things will be difficult, I have felt hopeful because my supervisor has indicated that a flexible work arrangement could be possible for my job - which I LOVE (and is in a great Christian workplace!).

This article helps give me hope. Thanks again!

It's a great concept, but when push comes to shove, we only have so many hours in a day, and so much energy to go around. Having lived through alot of them, I'm a big believer in seasons. Based on my own life experience, and the conversations I've had with hundreds of women as a counselor and life coach, I believe it's a huge, daunting task to do everything at one time and do it well.

And I think in the end, if our families don't suffer, it's often our own emotional and spiritual health ... because we often end up taking care of ourselves last, and we slowly, but surely become depleted by the lack of solitude in our lives ...

And yes, God bless the women who do it all. I watch my daughter working through tax season right now, with 2 babies at home and a wonderful husband ... and I wonder how she survives ...

Thank you for your post about this difficult issue. Your statistic that "73 percent (of women) who tried to return to the workforce reported it difficult to find a job" resonates with me.

In the heady early days of the feminist movement, my mother raised me and my sisters with the belief that "we could be anything we wanted to be." No one stopped to think that some career choices are friendlier to maternal off-ramps than others.

I can personally attest that academia, particularly in the sciences, is one of the least-offramp-friendly career choices. I took a family off-ramp after my PhD, but the gradschool-postdoc-faculty progression (at least in my field of physics) is a train you just can't re-board. I love my three children, and I love being "mom", but professionally I will never be more than "lecturer" now.

I can empathize with Annie. I had my first child in the middle of my thesis writing for graduate degree in chemistry and faced a lot of scrutiny for not producing as much research as my classmates who were competing with me for funding. Consequently, my funding was cut and the pressure was nearly insurmountable to finish my project and graduate. I felt like they were doing their best to get rid of me.

I am now working full-time, but the desire for more children is forcing my husband and I to have some difficult discussions about my career and our financial stability. I want to be the primary care-taker of our children, but the rough job market is making that decision more complicated than I ever expected. For now, I pray the flexible hours trend continues in my company.

This is a good post. I particularly love the quotes in the end from Compassion International -- I hope and pray more ministries would do the same. Ministries which are super flexible and allow parents to work from home could lead the way in this. I know businesses are doing this more and more, but truly it should be a ministry-led effort to keep families together. Some families have no choice in what they do -- many must have both parents working no matter how frugal they are, and some cannot go to work even if they wanted to (my situation) without causing real heartache and problems within their family structure.

If any ministry heads are reading this, pray about doing this in your ministry. What a ministry to employees you'd have (and they'd work harder than the rest I'd say).

Part of me wishes Nancy Pelosi would've just decided to keep staying home after her children were grown, or that she would've picked a different occupation besides politics.

"According to the U.S. Census Bureau Report, those who choose to fully step out of the workforce join the ranks of some 5.6 million at-home moms"

How does the Census Bureau know that these women CHOSE to stop working? They don't. Myriad factors play into a woman's participation in the workforce, many of which are NOT under their control.

Although this (working for pay) seems to be such an agonizing choice for women based on how much it is debated/discussed, what about the men? Are they sacrificing their families' well being by working 40+ hours a week? Are they sacrificing their own well being? Why don't we talk about THAT?

If there were ever to be true economic and social equality between men and women, mothers and fathers would BOTH be provided with adequate time to nurture children as well as pursue careers that provide for their families. No one would lose earning power because all parents would be taking a slower career path for a season. That would be the vast majority of the workforce, and it would literally transform the work and family environments in this country.

Of course, that will never happen because the bottom line is money,and no employer cares about how well children are raised. They care only about their profits and how much cash they can stuff in their pockets.

I was able to work for 11 years because started out part-time and then was able to work from home a few days a week. However when my boss left, this policy changed and I had to start working full-time in the office. My health suffered and I eventually had to leave for medical reasons.

Does my company miss me? I seriously doubt it as my phone hasn't exactly been ringing off the hook these last 6 months. As an over 50 woman with children still at home I am unlikely to get another job soon and in this economy employers know they don't have to be flexible. Hopefully though just as employers have found that outsourcing hasn't worked out as they hoped, they will learn the value of a flexible schedule for women.

I am a stay-at-home mother with a full-time job (from home). My employer/department is wonderfully flexible. I have to work and am very thankful to be employed period and also employed by this Christian employer. However, it does get dicey because I am always "on." I cannot have it all. This arrangement is something many of us have to manage in this economic climate...something many in the world do not even have the option of doing. Again, I have a lot to be thankful for. I do agree with you; it'd be nice if more Christian employers could lead the way on this issue. Perhaps your post will prompt some to consider being more flexible. Thank you for this thoughtful post!

Great comments! Linda, I'm glad you raised the point that you did. I think that is the downside of flexible schedules and working from home, that is does create a lifestyle for women who never seem to stop working - either at home or at work -- because the mentality is we can do it all. Or maybe we don't actually think we can do it all, there is just that much that needs to be done! Of course, no one can do it all and to think we can is never a good idea. Knowing ourselves and our family situation is crucial when stepping back into the workforce. And while sometimes it creates the ideal situation for families, other times, as you say, it can be a sacrifice that's not worth the demand. Thanks for your thoughtful comment and for helping women sort this out with your expertise! Maybe I'll make an appointment.

Robyn, thanks for your comment. First, I understand your first comment about the statistic, but think you misunderstood what it said. The Census Bureau estimates the number of at-home moms, not their motivation; I was saying those who choose to stay at home join the total number; I wasn't implying they knew the motivation (in which case, you're right...they don't know!).

Second, you bring up a valid point about dads. Actually, there are several segments of the population that are pushing for FWAs including dads, people who take care of elderly parents, boomers wanting a phased retirement, millenials who, with technology, can't imagine why anyone would need to be in an office full time and more. Flexibility, in fact, is quickly becoming the number one desired benefit when considering a job. (But, to cover all of those was too broad which is why I chose to focus on the mom aspect.) That said, the truth is even though dads are way more involved in family life than perhaps ever before, "mom" is still the main caretaker of children in the majority of families, even for women who work. Because of that, (perhaps arguably) most men don't factor in family decisions THE SAME WAY that women do. I imagine their considerations are more concerning the overall impact of career on family rather than the day-to-day whose picking Susie up from school or what do we do about summer break. Maybe that's why we're not seeing the same emphasis put on flexibility for a father's schedule; it's just not as strong of thought in our overall culture. I agree with you though, that FWAs should be seen as a holistic approach to family life, not just mom life, and I'd be all for dads having the same kind of freedom and flexibility. Wonder if they want it?

I recently chose to return to full time work precisely for this reason - that until more Christian women become advocates for more reasonable work structures for everyone - not just parents, but all people made in God's image to work for His glory and not be always-on robots - there won't be change. 80 hour work weeks and demands that people be relentlessly ambitious, instead of simply faithful, is a form of oppression, even if it's disguised by paychecks and meaningless corporate statements about "worklife balance".

Suanne, You struck at the heartbeat of something important. I could talk all night about this! This issue spans over generations as we all figure it out. "Off-ramp" journeys can be tough, depressing and lonely; but we find our way eventually. Thank you for putting it on the table again. I'm STILL finding my way.

Hear, hear!

When I saw the title, I was ready to be very upset. My chosen career *is* a SAHM. I love it and do not want to do anything else. But reading the article left me pleasantly surprised. For those parents whose finances leave no choice, working-for-pay and working-for-love are hard to balance. I'm one of the zillions of sahm's with a home-based business, and while I enjoy it, it is not my first priority, nor do I consider it my "career". It's my way of making the pressure that little bit less on my husband. And I'm glad to see that the corporate world is finally seeing the value of working from home too.

Nice article, Suanne. The balance of managing work and family, professional desires and personal/family needs and desires is one that has been a struggle for me and many women that I know. I agree with Hannah regarding seasons. We, as women, try to have it all, try to do it all, are told we can do it all, expect from ourselves that we can do it all, and it's just not physically possible. We need to cut ourselves a break and celebrate what we have accomplished - whether it's clean socks, a good mommy moment or a great article that we published.

I've been fortunate enough to have a flexible work arrangement since my children were born and while it makes it difficult to be "off" sometimes as others have described, it's allowed me to continue to do interesting work and keep my skills fresh while being there for my family. I hope that more employers see the benefits of FWA for men and women.

Great article! It hit home. I've been a "stay at home mom"
for 10 years. My son just went to school full time this year. In this horrible economy I'm just thankful that my employer is flexible and I have flexible work hours.
A strong family is so important for the growth of our children. If we want to have responsible, respectful children It think we need to be around for them. So it's great to hear that the trend may lead to employers flexing with schedules.

I am a 62 yr old Christian woman who chose to "give up her career" for the wonderful career of being a FULL time stay at home wife & mother. Early in marriage I saw the importance of teaching myself the responsibilities of marriage, raising children, and serving the LORD in ALL Areas . This path led me to homeschooling my children, training their intellect as well as their hearts for God & His glory. The path has many difficulties & temptations; BUT the LORD is the One for whom we work & He provides us all things necessary.
The delima today seems to be a lack of Biblical teaching on the Roles of marriage, children, men & women. We are God's people & we are to be different from the world & how it operates. If ever we are going to see the whole world become a better place , safer & secure for the next generation , we shall need to return to the WORD of GOD & rightly divide its Truth concerning the vital roles of man, woman, children, & family.
To train the very precious young impressionable minds of this generation takes MORE than a part -time mom; it take a FULL time committed mom who will spend many an hour on her knees seeking the help & blessing of a Loving Heavenly Father who delights to give to those who truly seek Him in truth.

Robyn, I greatly appreciate your focus on what's best for children. I also think that sometimes what's best is that the mother work so the kids have food on the table.

Cheers.
Tim

This concept of stay at home moms who only care for home and children is not the norm for most of human history, except perhaps for the nobility. Women always worked while caring for children: they wove baskets, they sewed, they harvested food, they contributed to the livelihood of the family all while caring for their children while the men hunted, farmed or worked elsewhere. How did they do it? They worked together, caring for the children in groups rather than on their own. They lived in extended families so that some women could mind the children while the others worked at chores. The very real dilemma described in this insightful article is artificially constructed by modern American society - including, if not especially, evangelical Christianity - which frowns on extended families and embraces individuality and family independence. We have created a setup in which each family must do everything themselves with little interdependence among individual families. Our worship of capitalism, especially in evangelical Christian circles, causes us to be suspicious of anything remotely communistic so that we have virtually no appreciation for community anymore. The most successful working mothers I know have built their own communities for sharing child care and supporting one another, or turning to extended family for support. I have been wondering how long it would take for the American business community to figure out that treating their employees like human beings might actually make them more productive. Of course, having to pay for health insurance for each employee makes them reluctant to go for more employees each with fewer hours, which Europeans have done for years with greater productivity per hour worked than in the US. Moving the health insurance out of the hiring equation would make that easier, but of course, evangelical Christianity rejects nationalized health care too. There is nothing biblical about the modern American lifestyle.

I am another SAHM who cringed at the title. I really bristle at the implication that if I could just find a flexible employer, I could stop being such a lazy princess and start contributing to my family and society in a meaningful way-by working for pay! Because staying home with kids isn't a sufficicent contribution...
Yes, there are families who can't get by on one salary. But there are many more families who could but choose not to. I'd love to see Hermeneutics talk about that:
To talk about questioning our secular society's ideas of what constitutes "enough".
To talk about the wisdom of encouraging our daughters to get advanced degrees or new cars or houses instead of apartments if doing so will cause them to incur so much debt staying at home with their children won't be an option.
To talk about whether husbands ought to work more than one job so that their wives can take care of their children if that's what it takes.

We should applaud companies who are offering flexible schedules to mothers who must work, and mothers who do whatever it takes to feed their families if it is impossible for their husband to do so himself.

But is it really necessary to turn this into some sort of attack on stay-at-home moms? I feel I've been called to be a SAHM and as such, my "potential" is being tapped just fine, thanks.

Crunchy Con Mom,
So what if families "could but choose not to" get by on one salary? There's nothing wrong with that, per se. Women are not required to forgo paid employment just because their families could still survive.

Women may want to "feed their families" (literally and figuratively) regardless of their husbands' ability to do so.

Maybe "our daughters" don't WANT to be SAHMs, though I agree that non-student debt is a bad idea for anyone.

What about our SONS considering planning ahead to have the freedom to be stay-at-home parents?

I am STRONGLY against fathers working more than one job "so that their wives can take care of their children." From my personal experience growing up, an absent father is worse than two parents who work reasonable hours. Of course, other families may see more value to having a SAHM than to having a highly involved father. That's their choice.

Which is the point. In the presence of choice, there is no necessarily right or wrong. Just what works best for that family. THAT's what I like to see Her.meneutics discuss. And it has.

John,

AMEN!!! to everything you said.

your article brings up some valid points but your headline and subhead are enough to offput many of us who have stayed at home raising children and do not want to be characterized as drones with untapped potential, and the moms who choose not to put so much pressure on themselves and their families (oh, a simple fix, a schedule can do it all!) let's PLEASE all stop repeating that old chestnut that moms stay at home 'to change diapers.' that is no more the case than that people go to work in order to use the employees' bathroom. characterizing moms as mere diaper changers degrades the God-given role of raising children. I'd also like to challenge the unwritten assumption that having a job is by definition purposeful, fulfilling, and an effective use of one's talents. most jobs merely pay bills and most people in the workforce are watching the clock until they can leave. let's not romanticize paid work. it's just a job. being a mom, whether you work elsewhere or not, is a calling!

I have never like the term "stay at home mom," (as if mothering means sitting home all day) and boiling it down to diapers, sippy cups and soccer games is demeaning.

I was "home" for 13 years and would still be if financial demands had not forced me to find paid employment. However, when I wasn't working for pay, I was often helping neighbors, volunteering and making a home. I've had to cut back on all that for the sake of a paycheck. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to have a job, but the idea that my paid work is especially "fulfilling" or making more of a contribution to the world than caring for my family or volunteering is ridiculous.

Beth, you are right, most people have jobs not "careers."

Testimony: I am a stay at home mom with a 7 month old daughter. My husband and I hope and pray that this season of our lives will be one God uses to bring more babies into our family! I left what many would see as an exciting, fast- paced, glamourous job (as a model) to raise my daughter and organize our home. I worked very very hard for ten years to be successful and the year before I quit work, my 10th year, I probably made more, financially, than all the other years combined, also more than my husband.

That season of my life being behind me, I can't see what greater contribution I can make in life apart from focusing on raising my children, organizing our home, overseeing our health as a family, helping my husband and spending time seeking the Lord and praying for our family, our church and others. When this season in our lives moves to the next, I forsee more time to dedicate to the body in the way of church ministry but I have no aspirations to go back to work unless my husband becomes physically unable to do so.

I know people have many differing opinions on this, but to shed some light on my background, I grew up as a non-Christian, the product of a divorce with an incredibly hard working, executive mother who spent a lot more time in the workplace climbing the corporate ladder, putting food on our table and an impressive house over our head than she did at home. Her divorce was through no fault of her own, but it resulted in many years married to my stepfather who was sexually and emotionally abusive and after their divorce, many years as a single mom. I struggled through depression, drug and alcohol abuse, suicidal tendencies, anorexia, promiscuity, two abortions, sexual assaults, you name it and I've probably been through it!

All this is to say BUT GOD! Two years ago I was miraculously saved and converted when I met my now husband and father of our baby girl! Praise Jesus! I love God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength and obedience to Him and being made like Him are what my life IS. The devil is alive and well (for now) and he longs to tear apart Christian marriages and marriage in general. I know that first hand. I pray that all women, whether they have work outside of the home or not, come to see the fulfillment, the blessing, the indisputable value and treasure of being able to sacrifice for your husband, and your children, just by being there! By praying! By loving! By nurturing and being a signpost that always points to Jesus in every way! Can you honestly say that in your workplace you are a fearless warrior who can defeat darkness in the name of the Father and help determine the eternal fate of your children, your household and those around you? All this is a full time job in and of itself because you can't be LIKE Jesus without taking the time to spend WITH Jesus!

Our family is not rich by any means, but God provides us with a rich life and every financial hardship that's faced us (tens of thousands of dollars in taxes when we first married, thousands of dollars in unforseen medical bills that we couldn't afford because we didn't have health insurance) we have overcome by faith in the Lamb of God and through prayer and trust in Him, even though I gave up a job where I made more than my husband AND we got pregnant pretty much right after we got married. Your Father owns the cattle on a thousand hills! If you make the honest and sincere heart decision to store up your treasure in heaven and not on earth, God will hear you, bless you and provide for you to do it.

When one day we stand before our Savior, He is not going to want to know about how much money we earned, how many bedrooms our home has, how many promotions we got or deadlines we reached. He's going to want to know if we fed His lambs, if we boasted about Him, if we gave off the pleasant aroma of His love, if we shielded our loved ones from evil in His name, if we taught our children and helped our husbands to be overcomers!

If you can do all that AND pursue a career outside of home, I say more power to you! But in my opinion and experience, and I understand it is just that, my opinion and my personal experience, I wouldn't seek fulfillment outside of my home and family before I could say my most important work had been done.

All of God's love to you, no matter what your life entails and see you in heaven!

After 8 years of committing my whole life to serve my husband and my children, I think it is time to maximize my potentials. At the end of the day, God will ask whether we have multiplied the talents He gave us.

http://bit.ly/xvimgi

SPAM.Mothers are as connected to their babies after the birth as they were before. This may seem impossible when you see her joyfully holding her belly and feeling him kick inside her, but her bond deepens over time as she inherently responds to his needs, and as the baby responds to her love and care.

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