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Her.meneutics is edited by associate editor Katelyn Beaty and online editor Sarah Pulliam Bailey.

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February 14, 2012

On Valentine’s Day, Praying for Men Who Buy Sex

Why I’m praying for the johns today — and you can, too.

Anna Broadway

Her.meneutics isn’t in the habit of encouraging thought experiments, but try this one for a moment.

If you kept a log of all your thoughts and remarks about men in a given day, what types of statements would be listed? Or, put another way: How many words can you think of to describe a man you disrespect? Now how many can you think of to describe a man you esteem?

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As soon as I asked myself these questions, I thought of two or three dismissive nouns to which I could reduce a guy who angered or frustrated me. But I struggled for positive counterparts, and the ones I thought of (prince and, um, prince) seemed derived from the world of fairytales and fantasy — words I couldn’t really use in any honest way.

Were you much different?

That pattern, I suspect stems from our incomplete knowledge of others. As a consequence, we’re constantly filling in the gaps, taking what we know and then adding sin or perfection. So we construe Mr. X based on selfishness, lust, or sloth (cue disgust) or on the wit, sensitivity, and Rogaine that we think will render life together pain-free and easy (cue unrealistic expectations). Worse, our projections for Mr. X aren’t even about what kind of man the mythical he is, but the special ways he could please and satisfy us — or is sure to fail in doing so.

This, I think, is why we see such brokenness displayed in the industrial complex of Valentine’s Day. It’s not about the glorification of self-giving, other-serving love, but the demand for another’s love to serve and gratify us.

The Bible offers a different way to think about romantic love in light of the life, death and resurrection of Jesus. And I’d like to suggest that it also offers a different way to conceive of our brothers.

The tendencies described above suggest that we tend to imagine men as either wholly depraved and under sin or angelic and free of sin. But what if we imagined them under grace and living by the power of the Cross? To do so is to uphold and affirm both men’s fallenness under the curse, and their potential to image the God who created them and empowers them to help bring his kingdom on earth.

Try it for a moment. Think of a man you tend to disgust or scorn and imagine what he would be like if God really got a hold of his life. What would he be like “on” Jesus (in the parlance of that old, Reagan-era anti-drug commercial)? Not the Jesus of greedy TV preachers and seven-day conversions but the Jesus who transformed John Newton from a slave trader into a preacher who penned one of our most enduring expressions of grace. The Jesus whose love so radically transformed a zealous and murderous persecutor of the early church that he became one of its most passionate defenders and exhorters, preaching and writing until he himself was put to death. What if that Jesus got into the man you can’t stand? What would he be like? What traits and skills of his, if redirected by love and humility, could become a means of blessing and serving others instead of causing harm and destruction?

To me, that kind of creative imagining is hoping on behalf of our brothers. And when pursued to the extent of asking God to help men achieve their potential for good, I submit it can be a way to love them.

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That’s why, when I got the idea to organize a day of prayer for men, I immediately thought of Valentine’s Day. However distorted or commercialized it is, the holiday’s core is still, ostensibly, about love. No other observance throughout the year has quite the same association. And because the day also connotes sex and romance, it seemed especially suited for a day of prayer for men in the grips of deep sexual brokenness—those whom society considers the pinnacle of male depravity.

I’m talking about the johns, as they are called in this country: the men who pay for sex.

Pray for the Johns Day came from two threads in my life: nearly four years of praying and fasting about singleness and marriage, as part of a group that’s ultimately asking God to heal relational brokenness, and a growing exposure to the issue of human trafficking, most recently through my Her.meneutics interview with Faith Huckel, director of the anti-trafficking group Restore NYC.

For whatever reason, I came away from Huckel’s and my conversation haunted by the men who drive the demand for commercial sex. When that sense of burden bled into my next Monday fast and I asked God how to pray in response, the idea I got was Pray for the Johns Day.

What does praying for men who buy sex look like? Depending on your schedule, it could mean praying for a few minutes on your commute, taking lunch to fast and pray or even prayer walking through an area of your neighborhood or community where there are sex shops or strip clubs or have been arrests for prostitution or sex trafficking. (Not for Sale’s Slavery Map can help you locate such areas.)

I’m suggesting you pray two things: 1) that men who pay for sex would repent and turn from their ways; and 2) that they would be transformed into people whose lives would bless others and bring good. The event website includes additional resources and suggestions, including a sample prayer that churches can use to pray for the johns.

Whether or not you join me in praying for the johns this Valentine’s Day, I encourage you to try praying on behalf of the next guy who prompts you to curl your lip in disgust. See what happens when you actively hope for God’s love to transform his life.

Anna Broadway is a writer and web editor living in the San Francisco Bay area. She is the author of Sexless in the City: A Memoir of Reluctant Chastity and a regular contributor to Her.meneutics.

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Posted by Katelyn Beaty on February 14, 2012 8:30 AM

Comments

Thank you Anna, for bravely challenging us in this way. You have changed my heart and mind today.

Posted By: Almost Jean | February 14, 2012 10:22 AM

"But what if we imagined them under grace and living by the power of the Cross?"

"What if ... Jesus got into the man you can’t stand? What would he be like?"

Those are such powerful questions, Anna. And they make me stop for a moment to ponder what I might have ended up like without Jesus. Then answer is, just as lost as those men you are calling women to remember today in their prayers. Maybe not with the same failings, but failing none the less. We all would be.

Thank you, Anna, for reminding us of the great salvation (Hebrews 2:3) we have through God's grace in Jesus.

Cheers,
Tim

Posted By: Tim | February 14, 2012 10:26 AM

Thanks, Anna,for a thought-provoking post. It reminds me of the story Philip Yancy told in What's So Amazing About Grace? about Will Campbell, who, after being a part of the civil rights movement in the 60's, started a ministry to rednecks and klansmen. It is a scary thing to try to reach those so far from seemingly wanting help.

Your words about how women view men also resonated with me. I am at a point in my life where I feel as if there are no women who view me as other than the two extremes you listed. I'm either a decently gifted teacher at church or I'm a miserable failure as a husband, father, employee., etc. I'm glad God affords us SO much grace because without it I would be withered for the lack of it I find around me including my own heart). I'm not saying this to garner pity, but rather to remind myself that it is so easy to define people by what they do rather than trying to find out WHO they are and WHERE they are and just loving them there. I need that so desperately, so why can't I find it in my heart to do this for others?

Posted By: Mark E. | February 14, 2012 12:55 PM

"What if Jesus got into a man that disgusts you?" Love that thought, I mean my rendition of your thought, and will carry it with me. It's especially pointed when in my mind it's easy to consider child abusers as less than human. I know not all child abusers are men....

Posted By: Marlena | February 14, 2012 2:02 PM

Modern-day slavery manifests itself in many ways, we therefore need multiple solutions. Praying for the Johns, spending money in ethical ways, and engaging as smart activists will help us reshape culture. Thanks, Anna, for helping us engage.

Posted By: Kevin Austin | February 14, 2012 4:58 PM

As the MST Project we are men of faith committed to walking life alongside men who visit red-light districts. We desire to extend grace, not hate, for a heart transformed is possible when we look beyond the stereotypes that are all too common. We see men not as a ‘John’ nor a perpetrator but rather a man with a life story consisting of high’s and low’s – a story that we want to hear and perhaps help define how it will end. Therefore, we choose to stand on the street corner and offer these men HOPE because we believe that these men - a brother, a son, a father - are part of the solution.

Posted By: Chris Lenty | February 14, 2012 9:50 PM

Good article except for the fact that you have tagged with the word " Johns"
I take exception to that as my name is John and it is a nice name and doesn't need to be dragged into such a connotation.
You need to have another word for such men.......
Do a search in Google and you will not find that Johns means what you are saying.

Posted By: B John | February 15, 2012 1:00 AM

Interesting timing! My husband pointed out to the article- front page center in the print version of yesterday's USA Today (source). The lead sentence "Husbands and wives take note: If Valentine's Day expectations aren't met, your mate might soon be looking elsewhere for a little romance and appreciation."

...which led us into a discussion of the differences between men and women. Paying for it would not appeal to this woman in a million years!

Posted By: Charis | February 15, 2012 9:08 AM

Woo-hoo! Three cheers for this initiative. So thankful for Anna's exhortation. It's definitely time to move beyond disgust to love in action for our brothers.

Posted By: Dawn Jewell | February 15, 2012 9:39 AM

I like this idea. I just wonder why have you left out the women who are also part of this equation?

Posted By: MelissaT | February 15, 2012 9:54 AM

All business is supply and demand. When the demand (men) is gone, the supply (women) will be out of business. If a woman "advertises" there must be something for sale!

Posted By: David Grant | February 15, 2012 12:38 PM

About ten years ago I went through a big low point in my life. I desperately tried to find help but couldn't seem to get it. I thought of suicide all the time. The only thing that made me want to live through the day became the thought of calling a 900 number. Then porn. Then it was a strip club. Eventually an escort and prostitute, although I didn't visit the later category more than two or three times. I have been free of all of that for several years, been leading a men's bible study for several years, and seen God continue working in me unlike he has any other time in my life.

Posted By: Me | February 15, 2012 6:13 PM

I have no problem with a Pray for "Johns" Day. Fact is, I have no problem with prayer at all since there is no such thing as too much prayer.

However, I do have a question. After we have prayed for the "Johns" will we have a Pray for "Janes" Day as well? I'm asking this with the hope that Anna does not believe(like they do in Sweden)that in prostitution, men are always offenders while women are merely victims.

Maybe I am just too sensitive, but this article leaves me with the distinct impression that when it comes to sex all men need "prayer", as if, somehow, something is wrong with us that is not wrong with women. I feel like I am being asked to believe that for women, prostitution is always about meeting needs and supporting children (abandoned by other men, of course), while for men it is simply, well, sex.

It is probably this simplistic view of men that leads the writer to feel disgust and scorn simply by "thinking" of them.

As for me, when I think of men I think of my father, brothers, several of my teachers and mentors, and a host of international figures including Nelson Mandela, none of whom fill me with disgust.

Is this simply because I, too, am a man.

Posted By: Steve Skeete | February 19, 2012 7:41 PM

Obviously Ms. Broadway doesn't like the competition. Men would rather be with hookers than Christian women like her. So her answer isn't to look at herself or her religion but to blame it on some mysterious boogie man(the devil) that is infecting men's souls and keeping them from seeing how wonderful she is. It's never her and her faith.

The total narcissism and arrogance of Christian women is why men would rather be with hookers.

Posted By: BarneyO | February 21, 2012 10:45 PM

BarneyO, I wouldn't call someone who'd "rather be with hookers" much of a man. Your opinion is understandable in light of 1 Corinthians 2:14, though.

Blessings,
Tim

Posted By: Tim | February 22, 2012 12:18 PM

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