What Is Her.meneutics?

The Christianity Today women's blog provides news and analysis from the perspective of evangelical women. We cover news stories and books related to international justice and evangelism, pregnancy and sexual ethics, marriage, parenting, and celibacy, pop culture, health and body image, raising girls, and women in the church and parachurch.

Her.meneutics is edited by associate editor Katelyn Beaty and online editor Sarah Pulliam Bailey.

Free Newsletters

books we're reading



« Learning the Spiritual Disciplines from a Mormon Blogger | Main | Why the New Planned Parenthood Controversy Raises Old Questions »

February 3, 2012

Parenthood: Moving Beyond Facebook Envy to Reality

What we see online is only a part of the larger—and better—picture.

Brittany Tuttle, guest blogger

Over Christmas break, I became obsessed with the idea that I wanted another baby even though my soul knew this to be untrue.

I did not want another baby, but I'd read a blog that made me think I did. On the blog, a woman had described her birth story as an experience so spiritual it bordered on holy. A process that strengthened the bonds between herself, her husband, and God.

Kids%20screaming.jpg

And here sat I, knowing full well that birth for me had never strengthened my bond to anyone but my anesthesiologist and Preparation H.

Her idealized description of giving birth had confused me so much that it led me to believe I wanted things that I didn't actually want.

In short, it made me jealous.

It wasn't an isolated occurrence. Countless times I've logged onto Facebook, Twitter, or my favorite blogs only to see vintage-filtered vignettes of other people's seemingly perfect lives. There are my friends, on tropical vacation (again). There are my favorite bloggers, wearing artsy duds, sitting in their homes that look like exact replications of the Anthropologie catalog. And there are their children, perpetually glossy-haired and rosy-cheeked and smiling.

Meanwhile, here I sit in my untidy home in the cold of January, wearing an old college t-shirt. My kids are fighting in the background. Reading these blogs, seeing these profiles, often feels like browsing a fashion magazine. It's fun to look at, but afterward I feel inferior and inadequate and ugly and fat.

The problem is that so often people's Facebook photos and status updates capture fleeting moments of happiness and, by nature of social media, pin them down like that one perfect moment represents what life is like all the time. I walk away thinking that if only I could do what this person has done, I would be as happy, always, as they were in that moment. Like all my problems could be solved by the perfect glittery scarf or a beautifully photographed craft hour. Like there's something wrong with the truth of a messy, un-photogenic life.

It's not that I don't understand the urge. As we learned from Facebook's IPO filings this week, it seems nearly everyone is on Facebook—people I went to high school with, former teachers and professors, current coworkers. My mom. And dozens of people I never see in real life. Of course there is the instinct to present one's best self. But all of us, collectively, posting only rosy images has added up to a great cultural misunderstanding. A place where we all believe that other people are having a better time than we are. That our Facebook friends have lovelier homes, nicer vacations, and children with lower propensities for tantrums and flinging the contents of their diapers than ours do.

Baby%20crying.JPG

There are times when social media exaggerates the pressure our culture puts on women to fit the elusive ideal of the Good Mother, to be nothing less than giddily over the moon with joy for parenting at every moment. I find a strange tension at times talking to other parents. We are willing to say that "parenting is hard," but there is a reluctance to go beyond that. A fear that we can't have it both ways—that mothering can't bring tears from its beauty as well as from its frustrations. That by copping to one, we are eliminating the possibility of the other. It feels threatening to say, “There are times when motherhood makes me want to book a one-way ticket to Paris, alone.”

After a few days of a confused spirit, I finally snapped out of it. Of course I was coming up short; I was comparing the whole of my life to one selected sliver of another's. It wasn't doing me any good. I had to trust that what was best for another's life wasn't what's best for mine. That my life was everything it should be, messy and complete, right now.

Nobody's life is as perfect as it seems on Facebook. At times when I've posted my own idealized accounts, I suspect that deep down I was really trying to prove my happiness to myself. Ultimately, it never served me, and it didn't serve others. When I start trying to prove how great my life is, I'm acting out of insecurity and feelings of inferiority. I'm acting out of the desire to keep up with others, which sometimes makes them, in turn, feel driven to keep up with me. It's a vicious cycle.

I can stop it by remembering I am not served by any pretensions. My hope is not for Facebook to become the opposite extreme—a place to dump my every negative emotion or petty frustration. The truth is that all of us, every life, has highs and lows and is mostly comprised of the moments in between. As mothers, as women, as humans, we are only strengthened by remembering—and by helping others remember—that not a single one of us is in this alone. That we are all whole in our imperfections. That we have all dodged our share of dirty diapers and dreamed our share of tickets to France. What serves my spirit is remembering the truth: every life has its own unique difficulties and that mine, while imperfect, is beautiful. Beautiful maybe because of my imperfections.

Beautiful in my acceptance of them.

Share |

Posted by Sarah Pulliam Bailey on February 3, 2012 9:06 AM

Comments

Ohmygoodness....you have captured my very thoughts in this article that even I could not put into words. It makes me so happy to understand why I feel this urge to be on facebook 24/7, but end up feeling more depressed and less content with my own life after I'm on. I have thought on countless occasions that it's like reading a magazine or watching a daily drama on tv. My jealousy and envy has torn up relationships and friendships...and now I see why.

Thank you so much for sharing

Posted By: Christina | February 3, 2012 9:37 AM

I came across this quote the other day, appropriately enough, on Facebook: "The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel." (Steven Furtick, pastor of Elevation Church in NC)

Posted By: Ellen Di Giosia | February 3, 2012 9:52 AM

Sometimes it feels like there is no middle ground when it comes to online sharing - either everything looks perfect all the time, or else you have people who share pictures of their little darlings smearing the contents of their diapers on the walls. One is unrealistic, one is gross, and neither is good for me to dwell on. One causes me to envy and feel like a loser, the other causes me to feel superior and dismiss the poo sharing mother as a loser. And if the internet disappeared tomorrow these problems wouldn't disappear with it...

"What serves my spirit is remembering the truth: every life has its own unique difficulties and that mine, while imperfect, is beautiful." Thanks for this line. And thanks for this post. It was an encouragement today!

Posted By: elly | February 3, 2012 10:11 AM

Great post -- thoughts I've also had and thankfully I came to the same conclusion. We do ourselves and the rest of the world a huge disservice
(and God) when we paint out lives in ideals because that is not authentic, not human, not anything that resembles where God is with us. Ideal lives only point themselves not God.

Posted By: Jane Hinrichs | February 3, 2012 11:08 AM

Great post, Brittany, and I really loved this line since it made me snort out loud: "And here sat I, knowing full well that birth for me had never strengthened my bond to anyone but my anesthesiologist and Preparation H."

You've also given us a great reminder that everyone has struggles to go along with their triumphs, whether we see them or not. Happily, God is with us through it all either way.

Cheers,
Tim

Posted By: Tim | February 3, 2012 11:20 AM

You just described how deeply inadequate I feel every time I visit Pinterest!

When I was longing, hoping, praying for a baby, I had to "hide" many acquaintances posting lovely pics of their kids for my own sanity.

Now that I'm pregnant, I've "unhidden" their posts...but have held off posting anything about my own pregnancy. I want to mention it, but don't want to do so in a way that is self-aggrandizing or could cause others pain.

Posted By: Hannah | February 3, 2012 11:40 AM

It's so true! Facebook is such a mixed bag! It's valuable on the one hand for keeping me connected with far flung friends and acquaintances. But it can be hard to be appropriately real with such a vast group of people. If my only Facebook friends were family members and very close friends, it would be different. Glad to know others have Facebook envy too, so tricky...

Posted By: Vivian | February 3, 2012 1:04 PM

@Hannah - don't hold back sharing your good news for fear of hurting others. (That's the enemy making you feel guilty). Remember that as the Body of Christ that we sorrow when others sorrow and rejoice when others rejoice. Post that you are pregnant! There's a huge difference between sharing good news and rubbing people's faces in it. Ask God to keep you humble and He.

Posted By: Leslie | February 3, 2012 1:11 PM

Good post. Simply put, I don't believe Twitter or Facebook to be the best place for those most honest, more vulnerable moments or reflections. Those are best done in a smaller, trusted, more personal, more face-to-face community of back and forth, give and take. 800 of your "friends" don't really want to hear my complaints and my ramblings and my problems. It's not to say I don't have them and don't own them and don't live in community that addresses them and helps me through them, it's just not every place is equally appropriate for sharing and processing them. And that's important. Someone I know through an adoption blog from across the country that I have never met in real life and someone I went to middle school went and mom's friend and my second cousin do not need to hear me rail on how my husband is never home on time and how I just over drafted my bank account again and how I've already gained 25 pound at only 20 weeks into my pregnancy.

Posted By: bex | February 3, 2012 3:24 PM

Great to see Brittany here on her.menuetics! And such a great post.

Posted By: Carla | February 3, 2012 3:51 PM

Brittany,

I thank God for your courage in expressing your guarded thoughts. How many times I've felt the same way! I find that when I pray for my FB friends, God reveals to me that they're going through the same trials I face. In the end, we're all in the same boat.

Keep your heart with all vigilance,
for from it flow the springs of life. Proverbs 4:23

Posted By: Suzanne | February 4, 2012 5:19 PM

A very impressive post, Brittany...and from the posted comments, seems to be the consensus. Please keep writing; your audience needs to hear your voice.

Posted By: Gramma | February 5, 2012 4:13 PM

Amazing! it is as if you were in my head. You have put into words what so many of us feel but are afraid to admit. I quit facebook for this very reason. I would always leave feeling empty and inadequate. Once in a while I pop back in but once you are away for so long you realize you really haven't missed anything!! Being away made me realize just how beautiful and wonderful my life is, which I previously couldn't see because I was seeing it through the lives of others-distorted!

Posted By: Sharon | February 6, 2012 4:31 AM

For me, Facebook has been a place to share beautiful moments but also to share sorrows, struggles, questions about this new baby committed to my care. More recently, it has been a source of encouragement from those who "been there, done that" with potty training (prompting an exasperated post from a young married-with-no-kids male friend regarding all the potty training posts on Facebook!). Once upon a time we had to struggle alone in silence, but now within seconds we can find resources, advice, prayer, and encouragement when we struggle. What a blessing!

But I do recognize that Facebook tempts us to be image conscious too, so I hear what you're saying.

Posted By: Rebecca | February 6, 2012 12:26 PM

Down with Facebook!

OK, I'm going to take that back before someone gets mad at me.

But see, I think that what Brittany has pointed out is very true, that Facebook presents the possibility, and thus the temptation, of image management, of making it look, without really lying, like you have this perfect life. We're all tempted to that already, I *know* I've been guilty sometimes and I don't even do Facebook. It's just a more powerful medium for that, and it can have that effect on people like it did on Brittany--because that stuff is *everywhere* on Facebook.

And yet what bex said is completely true too. The friend of a friend of a friend whose house you stayed at one time on a trip doesn't need to hear your complaints about your husband and kids. Some things are private, not in the sense of "no one must know!" but in the sense of: they are some people's business and not others. They belong in personal conversations and not public announcements.

Facebook is too public. More public than God designed us to be, it's too much pressure! You can tell the true story of your life, with the good and the bad and the beautiful, to a friend you trust. To try to craft it just right for a whole audience whose tendencies to judgmentalism you are not familiar with... I'll say it again. It's too much pressure!

Okay, end rant.

I love the ending of the article. Yes, beautiful. To be human, to struggle through difficulties, to love each other in all our imperfection, is beautiful.

Posted By: Crooked Bird | February 6, 2012 2:49 PM

Thank you, especially for this: "It feels threatening to say, 'There are times when motherhood makes me want to book a one-way ticket to Paris, alone'"

Posted By: Anonymous | February 6, 2012 6:40 PM

It is difficult for me to see people's perfect lives on Facebook when mine is a disaster. I tend to stray away from the "status updates" and use Facebook to communicate privately with friends who are real. There are also times when I go on a Facebook "fast"--A weekend (or so) without touching my computer, and it really refreshes me.

Anonymous: HA! I feel that way several times a week ;-)

Posted By: Robyn | February 7, 2012 12:05 PM

What an eye opener! You have no idea how much this post has blessed me. Thank you for putting into words what I've been feeling the last few weeks in regards to social media particularly Facebook and Twitter.

Posted By: Marybeth | February 7, 2012 7:58 PM

Ok am I the only one who thinks this article is dumb? I mean really common people.. facebook is just a way to stay connected.. why do you allow people to make you feel insecure.. of course people post the great things in life! because when you are happy you want to share.. and yes you want to post those exotic photos from another vacation.. who cares what someone else is doing. I think the author of this article is just jealous and insecure in life. God does not call us to be worried about what others are doing.. and really that commet about social media exaggerating the pressure culture puts on women.. thats a bunch of crap.. the only pressure you feel from culture is from your OWN lifes insecuritys.. but please dont blame your insecurities on social media.. maybe you save yourself from future pain and deactivate your facebook account.

Posted By: Wendy | February 10, 2012 10:27 PM

Post a comment:





Verification (needed to reduce spam):

tags

May 2012
Sun Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri Sat
    1 2 3 4 5
6 7 8 9 10 11 12
13 14 15 16 17 18 19
20 21 22 23 24 25 26
27 28 29 30 31